it's global

I just came across this exerpt:In the current issue of the Economist they have a story about homosexuality in China, and in it there was this interesting assertion:

The desire for male descendants has had many baleful consequences in China, and in recent years one that used to be hidden has come to light. Millions upon millions of women are trapped in loveless and often miserable marriages to homosexual men. [...]  It is estimated that 15-20% of gay men in America marry heterosexual women. But Liu Dalin, a pioneering sexologist now retired from the University of Shanghai, has put the share in China at 90%.

I am one of millions upon millions...but I am no longer trapped. It's tough enough in America, but I cannot imagine what the women in some of these very male dominated countries suffer through. I hope we can eventually reach them with the message that they are not alone.

debbie

real hope ahead

Hello friends. It has been almost a month since I wrote on my blog. I'm so sorry. Things have been hectic at work and I don't have internet at home right now. Life is ok; moving along. Kids are good. Life as a straight wife is always interesting. I am so glad to be legally, physically, and emotionally separated from my gay husband. I will let you all know when I can finally say he's my ex husband. Tough stuff for all of us, though. I shared my story with two friends last night and it was interesting to tell it from the place of being 14 months post leaving the home and 12 months post discovering the reality of him being gay; not healed of being gay as he had claimed. All of my children have been told my side of the story now and with God's grace they're progressing in their understanding and acceptance of it. A lot could be worse, but in time a lot will be better as well. Last night at bible study, the leader asked us each to chose one word that describes where we are now as we look ahead a bit  in our lives. I chose the word "hopeful". I like that word. The last time I was in a place like this I was separated from an abusive man and pregnant with my second child, a daughter who I decided to give the middle name Hope to. I had gone through very tough times and was looking ahead with hope. I am doing the same now. I hope all of you can too.

Take care and feel free to write anytime.

debbie

stop this crazy ride!

REAListic

unREAL

I think when we decide to get married we all expect some ups and downs. Agreed? Even when most people realize that there are sometimes seasons in marriage where there are more downs than ups, they settle in and go with the flow and ride it out with their spouse because they can see the UPs from the bottom of the DOWNs. This gives them hope and even bonds them closer together.

But what happens when you are literally jerked around at every turn and you never know which way the marriage ride will take you next? How can you relax and ride it out with hope when you can't even look back to see clearly where you've come from or look forward to see where you're going? When you look to your spouse for assurance you get something else instead.You may even feel like jumping from the ride just to stop the madness.

This is how it feels when you're in a marrige to a gay spouse. Before you realize your spouse is gay you have no clue why your life feels so wrong and so confusing and so hopeless. After you find out, you continue to feel that way. BUT there is a major difference. NOW you know the reason for all of that neverending frustration on the crazy ride you've been trying to make sense of. NOW you know that you can stop the ride and get off, and you don't ever have to get back on again.

It won't be easy because your gay spouse may do everything in his power to keep you there and keep you believing that the ride will smooth out and slow down soon if you just hang on. But don't believe it! Take control of your life and start to see a much smoother and friendlier life in your future.

debbie

what would bonnie say?

HELLO!!

I think this will be the first of occasional posts entitled, "what would Bonnie Kaye say?'
I recently read this letter from a gay husband on the SSN forum. The forum will occasionally be contacted by those who do not fit into the str8 spouse category.
Well, this guy wrote for advice.
Anybody wanna play? Just read the REAL story below and write what you think Bonnie would have to say to either the gay husband who wrote it or to his wife if she could. Who wants to go first???

So i really need help. I have been married for almost 10 years have three boys(9,5,3) and a wonderful wife. I have suspected i was gay since i was 11 or so, but denied it as hard as i could. I went through high school and college having a few girlfriends. I met my wife and married her after 6 months of knowing her. I started professional school 4 years ago and i am about to graduate in may. Right before i started school i started to realize that this may not be where i am supposed to be. I wanted to tell her, but told my mom instead. I convinced her and myself that this is a choice and i could get over it. I do love my wife. Now i am almost done with school and she has put up with me this entire time taking care of our home and kids. I met someone else and he is great. We met for nsa sex, but it was different after. We had such a connection that i cant explain. I have decided that i cant live this lie anymore and i need to tell her. I talked to my mom again and she thinks i should wait till after my graduation so i dont ruin it. I now have to carry around this burden for over a month. I really want to tell her sooner,but completely understand the need to wait also. She is planning a big party for me and such. If i wait, how long after graduation do i wait??


thanks for playing!!

debbie

bonnie's friends, welcome to my blog!

Every month there are thousands of women and even some men that can't wait to get Bonnie Kaye's newest newsletter in their inboxes. I am one of them. Well, it came today and, wow, was I overjoyed to read that Bonnie introduced me to all of you and invited you to take a look at my blog. I am so excited and it sure would be nice to get to know some of you. Please feel free to write and let me know you stopped by. Also, I would love to read your thoughts or ideas about posts, so comments are cherished.

I plan on going to Philly in September. Let's make it the biggest and best Straight Wives gathering ever.

This blog is dedicated to our friend and hero, Bonnie. May we all continue to heal, grow, learn, and gain strength through our gay husband recovery process.

love and blessings to you all!! And again...WELCOME

debbie

blog talk radio

Have ya heard of it? Well, on blog talk radio ANYONE can have a radio show about anything they want, as far as I understand.
I want to tell you about the radio show I listen to. It's called The Straight Wives Talk Show hosted by Bonnie Kaye and co-host Misti. They often have very special guests, including women like you and me who share their stories. This radio show is one of my many support systems. If you are a straight wife I guarantee you will get a lot out of listening. Each show is close to an hour and a half so listen to it when you have some alone time for yourself. I know, I know, who has that? Well take a break from the mundane chores or whatever and just relax and listen and be encouraged.

go to http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ and put "straight wives" in the search window. Select the most recent or go back in time and choose a past show. They're all great. If you want to listen live I believe they begin at 9 pm eastern standard time most every Sunday night.

If ya catch a show let me know what you think.

debbie

women and children

Collateral damage occurs when something incidental to the intended target is damaged during an attack. When used in conjunction with military operations it can refer to the incidental destruction of civilian property and non-combatant casualties.<sup>[1][2]


How often do we hear these words together; women and children and collateral damage? Aside from being a term associated with the unfortunate unintended human losses during war, "collateral damage" has become a household term. More specifically a broken household term. Divorce is hard enough on everyone, but in situations where there is a gay spouse, the hurt, confusion, lies, and damage is especially insidious. The average person, although not liking divorce, can understand typical reasons and side effects for the average divorce. But how many people can really understand the intricacies and twilight-zone aspects of a relationship and divorce which imbodies a gay spouse, especially one who cannot even admit to it? The only people I've found who can understand are those who've been through it. BUT even so, those who have been through it are continually doing battle with the debilitating effects and aftershocks of their own experience. There is wonderful support out there for the straight spouses in these marriages, BUT the children suffer in ways we adults cannot completely fathom. We see the outward behaviors and emotions that they exhibit but we can't know what's going on inside of them. Why? Because it isn't something they can make sense of themselves. They do not have the life experiences, the maturity or even the vocabulary to sort it out in a way they can remotely understand or express.
A recent member's post on the Straight Spouse Network forum says that there should be a law against a gay person marrying a straight person without complete disclosure beforehand. Why did so many people comment in wholehearted agreement? Because they are homophobic and want to discriminate and remove freedoms from others? NO! It is because they and their children are the collateral damage in a marriage that should never have happened in the first place. This unfortunate occurrance in their lives becomes the overpowering force by which their futures are pretty much defined by. This may sound very negative. But the reason why is truly that although there is always the possibility for hope and healing, collateral damage is still defined as unintended casualties/injuries. Something always dies in the falling out of these marriages. And something always is injured. Death and injuries always cause hurt and pain. Hurt and pain always cause disruption at deep levels. All these things have lasting negative consequences on the most innocent of victims. The cries of these innocents shout out for everything to just go away...but it won't.

debbie</sup>