Back again. This time with a segment of a blog found on the Straight Souse Network. SSN has been another helpful place where I go to get support. There are articles, blogs and forums with so many real words of encouragement...from those who've been there, done that, seen that, felt that, and wanna talk about,... well, that.
debbie's own words will be in parenthesis
December 6, 2011, 6:24 pm
There’s an old saying “Denial ain’t just a river.” How well many of us know this! For some straight spouses, it can feel like we have been swimming upstream trying to get an admission of truth from our current or former LGBT spouses. We know what we know, and yet when we ask “are you gay?” we are told an emphatic NO. For many of us (me included), the lies hurt worse than the truth.
Many of us ask “are you gay?” and are told no, of course not. Sometimes a challenge follows the denial. How could we ask that? What on earth would make us think that? Perhaps there are now too many ways to evade answering the question “are you gay?” when a straight spouse asks it in frustration. After all, many counselors will look at a distraught straight spouse in couples counseling who outlines all the reasons they think their husband or wife may be gay and tell them that none of this makes them actually gay, so why do YOU think so? (Too many people demand proof, or simply choose to believe the GID, gay in denial, spouse. Many people find it easier to believe the one in denial, which of course adds them to the list of those in denial. )
Some of us will never hear the truth – and many people around us will never want to hear the truth. Homosexuality is still a very uncomfortable subject with many people – including those who are actually homosexual and don’t want to be! Sometimes gay and lesbian spouses in denial resort to proclaiming us to be crazy – and often many family members and friends will believe them. It’s easier for some people to believe that we are crazy than that they are gay and in denial. (Besides, if they believe that the friend, co-worker, relative, ministry leader, workout partner, etc., is gay then they may have some adjustment struggles of their own to go through. Therefore, it’s often much easier for those on the outside looking in to side with the one in denial.)
One of the most wonderful things about the Straight Spouse Network is that we are peer to peer and confidential. One of the things we affirm for each other is this: You know what you know. We don’t demand “proof”. We don’t tell you that you aren’t an expert on sexuality so you don’t really know. You DO know. You are an expert on YOUR life and YOUR situation. And it is safe to share your questions, confidences, and observations with us. Chances are, someone in our group has had a similar experience. We won’t tell you that you are going crazy. Instead, we might have some ideas to help you keep from going crazy!
During times that media focuses attention on high profile cases, we often find that we are contacted by straight spouses who recognize the similarities in their own lives. If you believe you are the straight spouse or significant other of a gay person in denial, we welcome you to contact us and get free, confidential support for yourself in a safe atmosphere. You need it – and you deserve it.
Thanks for stopping by. Would love to hear from you.debbie
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