Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
The term "gaslighting" comes from the play Gas Light and its film adaptations. In those works a character uses a variety of tricks to convince his spouse that she is crazy, so that she won't be believed when she reports strange things that are genuinely occuring, including the dimming of the gas lamps in the house (which happens when her husband turns on the normally unused gas lamps in the attic to conduct clandestine activities there). Since then, it has become a colloquial expression that is now also used in clinical and research literature.[1][2]
I recently borrowed the old movie called Gaslight. It was quite profound. I highly recommend it.
IN THE WORLD OF GAY SPOUSE DISCOVERY AND RECOVERY, some prefer to call it gaylighting. (go to link to listen to Bonnie Kaye speak about this)
Gaylighitng is how a straight spouse is manipulated and lied to and made to feel that the problems in the marriage are all his/her fault. The way that we are made to feel like the crazy ones when things just don't add up and we question things...the way we are told, "I am happy, it's you that isn't happy", the way we are told, "all marriages have problems", ... the excuses we are told when it has been months or years since our spouse has had sex with us...the way we are told, but in words only, "I love you" but are rejected constantly. The way words and emotions shared can get so twisted around...the way pretzel logic is used in a way that it makes so much sense to them, but makes us overthink everything and question ourselves.
This isn't just part of my story but part of countless other straight spouse stories. One straight wife calls it "dancing in the circle of crazy".
And Bonnie Kaye says, "Life wasn't meant to be this complicated".
Take steps to free yourself from the chaos. Recognize the gaylighting/manipulation for what it is; a desperate attempt to control you and to make you and others think there is something wrong with you.
you are NOT alone,
debbie
Debbie,
ReplyDeleteI love this article. I have totally been "gaylighted" or "gaslighted" for nearly a decade and suddenly with therapy am coming out of it. I never heard either one of these terms before but I have to tell you. . . I never understood what was going on. My husband loved to keep me in utter confusion. Utter confusion is where he put me and where he liked to keep me. . . If I was confused, I stopped questioning things because I was afraid to question. I have to say this is an enlightenment for me, but a very sad moment to realize the guilt and shame I feel that I allowed myself to put me in that zone for so long.
A from NJ