HELLO!!
I think this will be the first of occasional posts entitled, "what would Bonnie Kaye say?'
I recently read this letter from a gay husband on the SSN forum. The forum will occasionally be contacted by those who do not fit into the str8 spouse category.
Well, this guy wrote for advice.
Anybody wanna play? Just read the REAL story below and write what you think Bonnie would have to say to either the gay husband who wrote it or to his wife if she could. Who wants to go first???
So i really need help. I have been married for almost 10 years have three boys(9,5,3) and a wonderful wife. I have suspected i was gay since i was 11 or so, but denied it as hard as i could. I went through high school and college having a few girlfriends. I met my wife and married her after 6 months of knowing her. I started professional school 4 years ago and i am about to graduate in may. Right before i started school i started to realize that this may not be where i am supposed to be. I wanted to tell her, but told my mom instead. I convinced her and myself that this is a choice and i could get over it. I do love my wife. Now i am almost done with school and she has put up with me this entire time taking care of our home and kids. I met someone else and he is great. We met for nsa sex, but it was different after. We had such a connection that i cant explain. I have decided that i cant live this lie anymore and i need to tell her. I talked to my mom again and she thinks i should wait till after my graduation so i dont ruin it. I now have to carry around this burden for over a month. I really want to tell her sooner,but completely understand the need to wait also. She is planning a big party for me and such. If i wait, how long after graduation do i wait??
thanks for playing!!
debbie
I think Bonnie would say, "Tell her now because the longer you wait, the more of her life you steal from her." I know the dude is excited about graduating and having a party, but he needs to think about someone besides himself. His wife needs to know so she can start planning what to do.
ReplyDeleteI do give him props for his willingness to come out to her. My ex didn't. I had to find out quite by accident after 30+ years of marriage.
I agree Maggie! The sooner the better for sure. He owes that to her. I also commend him for wanting to tell. I think Bonnie may tell him to stop going to his mother for advice because she is quite biased and seems to have only his best interest in mind, not his wife's and children's.
DeleteBonnie would likely tell him to do the right thing for his wife after he tells her by doing everything he can to support her and the children. He also owes them that. Let's hope she finds the support she needs! She's gonna need it.
debbie
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ReplyDeleteDear Debbie- sounds like mom has taught jr. some bad coping and decision making skills. Being recently introduced to this reality I would think that this fellow (and his wife) need to get to a counselor asap to minimize the damage that he has already done to his family. Now the pain is going to have to be managed. I see that this work you do impacts an incredible amount of people, thank you for being a light in the darkness and turning this sour lemonade you and your family were served into a ministry of hope and help. It is nice to see there are still good people here ;)
ReplyDeleteWouldn't it be more helpful if your readers offered their own advice, instead of what they think a third party might say? I don't know Bonnie Kaye, but having watched a couple I know go through this exact same experience, I know what advice I would give them if they could be back and do it over. This will have long-lasting effects for at least 5 people. It's not only about the wife, and it's not only about the husband. Doing it quickly (or sooner) is not as important as doing it right, which means taking everybody's interests into consideration. It's going to be rough enough as it is, let's not make it worse by rushing it along without a plan and a goal. Haste makes waste.
ReplyDeleteI understand the husband is anxious to come out, but he's made it this far and he can certainly wait at least another month; longer if necessary. If his boyfriend is a decent person, mature, responsible, he will be patient and let the husband take the time to do this right, and he will understand that the children's needs come first. If the boyfriend doesn't understand that, then I would advise the husband to dump him immediately.
The husband needs to know what his responsibilities will be after he comes out to his wife, in terms of financial and emotional support. He should talk to a therapist or counselor who understands all the nuances, benefits and pitfalls of coming out; most often, the after effects are unpredictable and different, depending on the personalities involved. He needs to be prepared for whatever her reaction might be, and let her have that reaction and help her deal with the new reality. He needs to assess her level of awareness and ability to cope with sudden shocks. Does she already suspect anything? What has their marital relationship been like so far? What is her current mental state? Is she depressed now, or does she have a history of it? Has she ever been suicidal or vengeful? Are the children at their appropriate emotional and cognitive stages for their ages? He needs to think about how he's going to handle this with the children, and when, and ideally, he and she would do it together. He needs to have resources at hand for his wife and children if they need it. Are they a religious family; if so, will this impact their standing in the church, or the neighborhood, or their social circle? He needs to practice his coming-out talk with a professional, so that he is able to answer any of her questions or concerns, and is prepared to handle any reaction or outcome to the best of his ability, rationally and clearly, so he does not react defensively, or out of his emotions.
Coming out, especially when an entire family will be affected, is not to be taken lightly, and certainly not to be rushed. It's never easy, but planning and preparing and practicing can prevent a difficult transition from becoming a complete and unrecoverable disaster. The worst thing he could do would be to "hurry up and do it."
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