REAListic
unREAL
I think when we decide to get married we all expect some ups and downs. Agreed? Even when most people realize that there are sometimes seasons in marriage where there are more downs than ups, they settle in and go with the flow and ride it out with their spouse because they can see the UPs from the bottom of the DOWNs. This gives them hope and even bonds them closer together.
But what happens when you are literally jerked around at every turn and you never know which way the marriage ride will take you next? How can you relax and ride it out with hope when you can't even look back to see clearly where you've come from or look forward to see where you're going? When you look to your spouse for assurance you get something else instead.You may even feel like jumping from the ride just to stop the madness.
This is how it feels when you're in a marrige to a gay spouse. Before you realize your spouse is gay you have no clue why your life feels so wrong and so confusing and so hopeless. After you find out, you continue to feel that way. BUT there is a major difference. NOW you know the reason for all of that neverending frustration on the crazy ride you've been trying to make sense of. NOW you know that you can stop the ride and get off, and you don't ever have to get back on again.
It won't be easy because your gay spouse may do everything in his power to keep you there and keep you believing that the ride will smooth out and slow down soon if you just hang on. But don't believe it! Take control of your life and start to see a much smoother and friendlier life in your future.
debbie
Before you realize your spouse is gay you have no clue why your life feels so wrong and so confusing and so hopeless.
ReplyDeleteTruer words never written anywhere, Debbie.
Before my wife outed herself to me, she had me convinced all of our marital woes were MY fault. Such is the manipulation were are conned into suffering. Why? All because we fell in love with someone and wanted them to be our Always and Forevers.
Long story short to clarify above:
At about the 8 1/2 year point in an already rather "vanilla" marriage there were obvious signs of disconnect: suddenly no "love yous" on the phone, no hello or goodbye kisses, more time with her on computer instead of family room with me and son, an undefined sense of coldness, etc. Then one fine day I got invited to leave the bedroom as I kick too much in my sleep, snore, etc (was only home a couple of nights a week due to work schedule). She made the "invitation' in a public venue knowing I would be too timid to respond back. Fast forward a few more days, I get a 45-minute tirade of how EVERYTHING in the marriage was my fault, I am bringing her down, I need extensive therapy, she didn't doesn't and won't love me, I have this problem and that, and assorted other verbal attacks that (thank God) I have since forgotten. I literally saw her soul leave her that afternoon. There was a look of crazed rage in her eyes that were formerly sparkly and blue but turned sharklike. There was pure HATE in her voice. The reaming left me within millimeters of killing myself, but I decided my son deserved at least one normal, stable parent.
A few days after that, she wanted another "talk". Oh joy, what now? She told me this would be a "good" talk. She stated she was a lesbian, had known since her teens (we were mid 40's then) but wanted to "conform to society" until something "clicked." She then walked out the door to begin her day. 30 years to process vs. about 5 minutes. Yeah, that's about fair, right?
She became incredibly narcisstic and self-centered in the following months (we were still together as roommates and co-parents for qutie some time). A complete stranger from the woman I married. Living in a loveless, sexless, communicationless house is something I would only wish on my worst enemies.
At least the outing brought some clarification and answered questions (like why was I only getting mechanical passionless sex about twice a year for who knows how long?). My self-esteem was already shot to tell long before I even met her, and this sure didn't help!
My story continues, but you get the point....
So yes, Debbie is VERY correct (she's so smart!) You feel like you are in a free-fall with ZERO control over your life as your marriage spins out of control. The Rollercoaster of emotions and self-doubt still is with you though. Hurt Anger Confusion Fear still hit me now and then individually and in every possible combination, and I'm close to 3 years into this crap now.
So, yes, I do have total understanding of why my marriage failed so grandly. Marrying a Lez can certainly do that to a marriage! Does that understanding make the past better? No. Still sucks. The time investment, the lies, the missed opportunities, etc. The one good thing though? It was ONLY the union of her and I that could have created my beautiful and amazing son. Enough said.
So, people, for those of you that are in this situation, know this: You did NOTHING wrong. You loved your spouses with all that you are. You didn't turn them homosexual and you lack the power to change it. You DO have the power, however, to brush the dust off of yourself, move on and love and be loved the way you always wanted to. The Difference (as a SSN member calls it) is pehnomenal.
Peace to you all, and THANK YOU to Debie for creating this blog.
Brad
Brad,
ReplyDeleteSometimes we straight wives get so caught up in our own tales of woe that we forget there are men in the same situation. It's good for me to read stories like yours so that I remember not all guys are bad guys. It's so easy for me to lump all men -- straight or gay -- into the category of rat-bastard jerk. But that's not fair, especially after I read a story like yours. And your story really isn't that much different than mine. Reverse the genders and it's all about lies and deceit and narcisism.
Like you, I agree that my marriage was the only union that could create my wonderful children.
You don't say whether you are still in the marriage or maybe in the process of ending it. I do hope you are able to move off the rollercoaster and at least onto the merry-go-round where there are no screams and the horses are pretty.
Maggie
I am pleasantly surprised that the comment from Brad is allowed on this blog. There does seem to be a great deal of misandry surrounding this whole issue, and especially on the part of the Bonnie Kaye, to whom you make reference. Her writing is just filled with outright anti-male rhetoric. The truth is that probably more men than women have found themselves trapped in marriages with a spouse who has no sexual interest in them. Often, a man finds that he has married a woman who is interested in sex with other men, but has married him for financial reasons, and of course, many of us have found ourselves trapped in marriage to a homosexual woman, but must maintain a stable home for the children.
ReplyDeleteHi Mark and welcome. So glad you wrote in. So sorry for the circumstances you've found yourself in. Hurt is hurt no matter who causes it or who feels it.
DeleteI've not seen the anti male rhetoric from Bonnie Kaye. Only her praise for men who do the right thing by their wives. She adores gay men who do the right thing and she also loves straight men. Her only beef is with men of any sort who abuse, lie to, and cheat on women. A huge part of her work is with men who want to do the right thing.
But true that men like you and Brad have few places to go for help. I hope that you are part of SSN and the forums or the str8 list. There are many men on there who know exactly what you're going through.
Anyways hang in there and keep reading and posting.
debbie
I haven't had the opportunity to read Ms. Kaye's writings. I do know she is a heroine to many women who have found themselves married to a gay man.
DeleteWhen my (very) ODDyssey began a few years ago I was so blessed to find SSN that helped me through the darkest hours. They have an open forum as well as a private mailing list (i just do the forum). I would asume there are other resources out there also. The most importnat thing to keeps one's sanity (I had very little of that pre- MAL (Married A Lez). Best way to do that along with support groups such as these is condfiding in friends and family members you can trust with such a delicate mattrer. The good thing is, you WILL lose some people from your life who don't grasp the enormity of this, but you find who your TRUE friends are.
What attracts me most to this blog is Debbie's no-nonsense honest understanding of what we are going through, and she eloquently writes compassionately without judgement. Though we are all on different-sized hamster wheels, it sometimes feels we are running as fast as we can to move on but are still at that same place.
Yeah, a lot of men are jerks, either straight or gay. If I were a chick, I'd probably be a lesbian (wouldnt marry a str8 guy though).
I encourage you to keep reading here and post as much as you feel cofortable. As I agree this blog is priamrly geared toweards women that have married gays, I am sure "we" are clearly welcome also.
Mark, how sad you feel you must stay in a broken marriage just for your children. You can maintain stability for them after a divorce. I've seen plenty of people do it. It takes work, but it can be done.
ReplyDeleteAnd as for Bonnie, I don't interpret her rhetoric as anti-male; it's anti-gay-male-who-stole-a-woman's-life. There's a whole world of difference. And I think she (and many others who were married to gay spouses) would tell you that when you discovered you were married to a gay woman, you were a victim. Now that you've chosen to remain in the marriage, you're a volunteer.
Best of luck to you and your children.
Maggie,
DeleteI also wish that Mark could realize that he doesn't have to stay trapped in his marriage.
Mark, we would love to know more about your circumstances and why you feel as if you cannot leave. If you're not comfortable sharing details here that is fine. But please go to the Straight Spouse Network open forum and introduce yourself if you haven't already. Brad would love to talk to you as well.
Take care!
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