Back in April of 2001, Bonnie Kaye wrote these words. They come from her April 2001 Newsletter as published in Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk, a Collection of Her Best Newsletters About Gay Husbands.
These two paragraphs struck me when I first read them, and they still strike me now. It doesn't help to play the "what if game" often, but it DOES put things in perspective. We all could use a little perspective.
Here goes:
APRIL 2001
Just think. Who would we be today if we had a normal straight husband? How would our destiny have changed if we were loved, nurtured, sexually desired with passion and tenderness, given emotional support and encouragement, and made to feel like we are a part of a real couple in tune with each other's needs, wants, and aspirations? What if we didn't have to spend countless hours each day wondering why we are failures as wives, women, and lovers--ripping away at our self-esteem layer by layer until we became strangers to ourselves and others? What if our husband's dishonesty and cheating didn't change us to become untrusting, suspicious, and doubting wives, forcing us to question our ability to make rational decisions? How many of us were sidetracked through those "detours of deceit" that diverted us from the direction that life may have taken otherwise?
You may be thinking, "My marriage with my husband isn't/wasn't THAT bad. After all, we were pretty good friends. If that's you, I am happy for you (not my experience),
BUT...the bottom line is no matter how much a gay man loves a straight woman, it is not the kind of love that fulfills the basic human need that all of us have. It can never be the kind of love that inspires the music that becomes classics or the poetry that makes the heart flutter. It is not the kind of love that can ever be returned to the degree that you are giving it. Even the best of these relationships are barely more than great friendships--not the passion and excitement that makes us thrive and look forward to waking up each day. And even these "good friendships" are woven with dishonesty, distrust, infidelity, resentment, and frustration.
Life was not meant to be this complicated.
Again, Bonnie, thank you for your wisdom. Who would we be without you?
debbie
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
are you true?
debbie thinks, " This is true for me and maybe for you but it's not true for those who are untrue to who is truly inside. They'd rather be a who who is not the real them so that you will never know who is truly true. But those who are untrue to who they truly are don't ever get to feel the feeling of being true to you...or them. The true that is truly them is only on the inside because on the outside they are untrue... to me and to you. PHEW!
I'd rather be me. Wouldn't you?
debbie
be real with your wife
hey all! There is so much good stuff out there that Bonnie Kaye has written. I'd be negligent to not share some of it with you often. Not only does Bonnie work with straight wives to help them through what she calls "gay husband recovery" but she also works with gay men married to straight women. She does her very best to convince them to stop hiding and be REAL with their wives; to do the right thing. Here she is in all her glory talking to these men as only she can. Thanks Bonnie.
COME OUT TO YOUR WIFE
BY BONNIE KAYE
Over the last fifteen years, I have worked with thousands of straight wives who learned at some point during their marriage that their husbands are gay. Through the years, members of the gay community have criticized me for taking a position that I maintain to be moral, ethical, and necessary. These words of conscience need to be heard by those of you who are gay or bisexual men married to heterosexual women. It is about truth, honesty, and commitment towards the person who should be the primary focus in your life. To put it quite simply - COME OUT TO YOUR WIFE. This plea is not being made out of sheer emotionalism, but rather from common sense, logic, and a sense of fair play.
Marriage is the highest form of commitment a man can make with a woman. It supersedes all prior relationships and goes beyond friendship. The person you marry lives with you on a day-to-day basis and shares your life — the good times and bad, during sickness and health, through your moments of glory and depths of despair. It is a relationship built on trust and honesty towards each other. That is not to say that every move in a marriage must be explained. Sooner or later we all fall into the trap of making up "little white lies;" however, hiding your homosexuality is not exactly keeping a little secret when it plays such a big role in your life. It is living a lie. You are living a double life in two separate worlds, and the twain will never meet. There is another side of you that is totally hidden from the person who has so much trust in you and relies on you for basic honesty.
There is another issue that must be mentioned. If you identify yourself as gay or bisexual, then chances are you are participating in some kind of sexual activity outside your marriage. Justify it as you may, but this is infidelity. I have often heard the standard excuses from Gay Husbands stating that they don’t consider gay sexual encounters as cheating because it is not sex with another woman. But as the saying goes, a rose by any other name is still a rose, and a sex partner, regardless of the gender, is still an act of infidelity.
I am certainly not making a value judgment about the nature of your sexuality. In fact, no one would be more delighted than I, the former wife of a gay man, if people could learn to come to terms with themselves. If you are gay and have the need to be part of the gay world, I am all for it, but not at the expense of your wife who is sitting at home worrying day in and day out about what is wrong with her. From the wives of gay men I have spoken to and counseled, there was one common overriding feeling — the torture of not knowing what the problem in the marriage was. While the gay husband may think he is juggling his life around to please everyone, his wife increasingly senses that there is something dramatically wrong with the marriage, and yet she cannot put her finger on the problem. She feels a pull, often alienation, and keeps asking herself where she is going wrong. She finds herself buying every aid available to be "more of a woman," never realizing that the problem is she is not a man.
And what about the Gay Husband? You are suffering too, but in a different way. You often are feeling guilty. Most times when you have moments of intimacy with your wife, which you find diminishing as time passes, your body is with her, but you mind is with someone else. You are functioning and performing, but starting to resent your wife for putting you in a position to feel pushed to do something that is becoming more and more uncomfortable for you. You have to keep inventing excuses of why you are not in the mood and hoping that she will love you enough to believe them, even when she knows they are lies. You have to live in a state of hiding, hoping that no one you know will bump into you when you’re out being yourself in fear of their revealing this information to your wife. It can't be easy living with this kind of a lie.
I am not insensitive. I know how difficult it is to go to the one person in your life who probably means more to you than anyone else in the world and tell her something this explosive. I know you are taking a big chance and there is a lot at risk here. You are taking a chance of losing your wife, your children, and your security. But let’s be honest. You are losing them anyway. Once your wife feels the pull, she is going to start to drift emotionally and mentally. If she can’t be happy, your children won’t be happy. Somewhere down the line, the family structure will break down, even if no one but you knows the real reason why. And, at that point, it will be your fault because you didn’t have the guts to do the right thing while you had the chance.
No wife likes hearing the kind of news that you are going to tell her, and it is going to be a rough road ahead to bring things back to a natural course, if it can ever be brought back. But there are relationships that are working out once the news is out. A sense of friendship and understanding can develop once honesty is on the table, perhaps not under the same roof, but throughout life. This is the most important factor when you are raising a family.
Coming out is a gamble that can go either way, but almost every major decision in life is a gamble. And when you consider what the stakes are here, hopefully you’ll realize it’s a chance you have to take.
BY BONNIE KAYE
Over the last fifteen years, I have worked with thousands of straight wives who learned at some point during their marriage that their husbands are gay. Through the years, members of the gay community have criticized me for taking a position that I maintain to be moral, ethical, and necessary. These words of conscience need to be heard by those of you who are gay or bisexual men married to heterosexual women. It is about truth, honesty, and commitment towards the person who should be the primary focus in your life. To put it quite simply - COME OUT TO YOUR WIFE. This plea is not being made out of sheer emotionalism, but rather from common sense, logic, and a sense of fair play.
Marriage is the highest form of commitment a man can make with a woman. It supersedes all prior relationships and goes beyond friendship. The person you marry lives with you on a day-to-day basis and shares your life — the good times and bad, during sickness and health, through your moments of glory and depths of despair. It is a relationship built on trust and honesty towards each other. That is not to say that every move in a marriage must be explained. Sooner or later we all fall into the trap of making up "little white lies;" however, hiding your homosexuality is not exactly keeping a little secret when it plays such a big role in your life. It is living a lie. You are living a double life in two separate worlds, and the twain will never meet. There is another side of you that is totally hidden from the person who has so much trust in you and relies on you for basic honesty.
There is another issue that must be mentioned. If you identify yourself as gay or bisexual, then chances are you are participating in some kind of sexual activity outside your marriage. Justify it as you may, but this is infidelity. I have often heard the standard excuses from Gay Husbands stating that they don’t consider gay sexual encounters as cheating because it is not sex with another woman. But as the saying goes, a rose by any other name is still a rose, and a sex partner, regardless of the gender, is still an act of infidelity.
I am certainly not making a value judgment about the nature of your sexuality. In fact, no one would be more delighted than I, the former wife of a gay man, if people could learn to come to terms with themselves. If you are gay and have the need to be part of the gay world, I am all for it, but not at the expense of your wife who is sitting at home worrying day in and day out about what is wrong with her. From the wives of gay men I have spoken to and counseled, there was one common overriding feeling — the torture of not knowing what the problem in the marriage was. While the gay husband may think he is juggling his life around to please everyone, his wife increasingly senses that there is something dramatically wrong with the marriage, and yet she cannot put her finger on the problem. She feels a pull, often alienation, and keeps asking herself where she is going wrong. She finds herself buying every aid available to be "more of a woman," never realizing that the problem is she is not a man.
And what about the Gay Husband? You are suffering too, but in a different way. You often are feeling guilty. Most times when you have moments of intimacy with your wife, which you find diminishing as time passes, your body is with her, but you mind is with someone else. You are functioning and performing, but starting to resent your wife for putting you in a position to feel pushed to do something that is becoming more and more uncomfortable for you. You have to keep inventing excuses of why you are not in the mood and hoping that she will love you enough to believe them, even when she knows they are lies. You have to live in a state of hiding, hoping that no one you know will bump into you when you’re out being yourself in fear of their revealing this information to your wife. It can't be easy living with this kind of a lie.
I am not insensitive. I know how difficult it is to go to the one person in your life who probably means more to you than anyone else in the world and tell her something this explosive. I know you are taking a big chance and there is a lot at risk here. You are taking a chance of losing your wife, your children, and your security. But let’s be honest. You are losing them anyway. Once your wife feels the pull, she is going to start to drift emotionally and mentally. If she can’t be happy, your children won’t be happy. Somewhere down the line, the family structure will break down, even if no one but you knows the real reason why. And, at that point, it will be your fault because you didn’t have the guts to do the right thing while you had the chance.
No wife likes hearing the kind of news that you are going to tell her, and it is going to be a rough road ahead to bring things back to a natural course, if it can ever be brought back. But there are relationships that are working out once the news is out. A sense of friendship and understanding can develop once honesty is on the table, perhaps not under the same roof, but throughout life. This is the most important factor when you are raising a family.
Coming out is a gamble that can go either way, but almost every major decision in life is a gamble. And when you consider what the stakes are here, hopefully you’ll realize it’s a chance you have to take.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
hey there
debbie
Monday, March 26, 2012
happiness is a warm puppy
My daughter just got the cutest little dachsund puppy. It truly is the cutest little thing, and it has brought so much happiness to her life.
Ya know, until recently, I've never put a lot of stake in being happy. The only reason I can give you for this is some teaching in the Christian church that I have heard over the years. I was told that to be happy wasn't the goal we are supposed to have in our lives since it is based on things and is temporary. Instead we should have joy because, they say, joy is something we can have even when things aren't going well in our lives. Well there hasn't been a lot of time in my adult life where things have been going well but joy definitely had its place, thanks to my children and a God who never leaves. However, I bought the idea that I shouldn't strive to be happy because happiness, I thought, is just not all that it's cracked up to be.
I NO LONGER believe that. In fairness, I still believe that people can have joy in the midst of terrible circumstances, BUT I do not believe that happiness is something not worth striving for. What is happiness? Remember the Charlie Brown books entitled, "Happiness is a Warm Puppy", and "Happiness is a Sad Song"? Those are the best little books of "happiness is" one liners. I think all of us should be able to write our own little "Happiness Is..." books. A year ago I may not have been able to muster up many things because I was in a tough place. But I know some things that have always made me smile and over the last year I've tried to surround myself with those things. Springtime holds lots of those things for me and I can't help but feel all warm and fuzzy with the sunshine.
If you are at a place where life is just weighing you down and your thoughts are so full of the negativity surrounding your circumstances, I urge you to look for LITTLE things that make you smile and put them all around you. Soon all those little happy things may add up to one big bunch of happiness.
Be courageous! Be happy!
debbie
Sunday, March 25, 2012
what is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
The term "gaslighting" comes from the play Gas Light and its film adaptations. In those works a character uses a variety of tricks to convince his spouse that she is crazy, so that she won't be believed when she reports strange things that are genuinely occuring, including the dimming of the gas lamps in the house (which happens when her husband turns on the normally unused gas lamps in the attic to conduct clandestine activities there). Since then, it has become a colloquial expression that is now also used in clinical and research literature.[1][2]
I recently borrowed the old movie called Gaslight. It was quite profound. I highly recommend it.
IN THE WORLD OF GAY SPOUSE DISCOVERY AND RECOVERY, some prefer to call it gaylighting. (go to link to listen to Bonnie Kaye speak about this)
Gaylighitng is how a straight spouse is manipulated and lied to and made to feel that the problems in the marriage are all his/her fault. The way that we are made to feel like the crazy ones when things just don't add up and we question things...the way we are told, "I am happy, it's you that isn't happy", the way we are told, "all marriages have problems", ... the excuses we are told when it has been months or years since our spouse has had sex with us...the way we are told, but in words only, "I love you" but are rejected constantly. The way words and emotions shared can get so twisted around...the way pretzel logic is used in a way that it makes so much sense to them, but makes us overthink everything and question ourselves.
This isn't just part of my story but part of countless other straight spouse stories. One straight wife calls it "dancing in the circle of crazy".
And Bonnie Kaye says, "Life wasn't meant to be this complicated".
Take steps to free yourself from the chaos. Recognize the gaylighting/manipulation for what it is; a desperate attempt to control you and to make you and others think there is something wrong with you.
you are NOT alone,
debbie
Friday, March 23, 2012
should I stay or should I go?
Everyday I read a new tale of a straight wife who has just discovered that her husband is gay. And everyday I am saddened and angered. Again? It seems to be happening at an alarming rate.
These ladies who have just discovered the ugly truth are so hurt, confused, and shocked. The time it takes to process something like this is usually not quick. I understand that they may not know right away if they want to end the marriage or not.
But in addition, I also regularly read stories of women who are still with their gay husbands 3, 4, or, even 5 years after discovering that they are gay. They still say that they don't know what to do, but they never say they are happy.
Here's something Bonnie Kaye, my friend and mentor, has to say about this:
"The longer you stay, the harder it becomes to leave. Now some of you would think that the longer you stay the more disgusted you'll become and the easier it will be for you to leave. That's not the way it works. The longer you stay the more comfortable you become with your surroundings, yet with a weaker mental state that makes you more willing to sacrifice happiness for material security. The older you get, the more difficult it is to start over. The longer you stay, the more of your life you throw away. Living with a gay husband is living in an abusive situation. No matter how nice your gay husband is, knowing that he wants to be with a man and not you is emotionally destructive. And I refuse to condone this because it would make me irresponsible. This is not to say that your gay husband is intentionally abusive, BUT the entire situation is abusive. Peace of mind and a sense of self worth is something that you cannot achieve when living with a gay man. Period."
Bonnie knows that there are some legitimate reasons why it can take a woman a few years or more to get out. But she urges all straight wives to make an exit plan and to continue moving forward toward the goal of freedom and peace of mind because every day that you stay in a debilitating situation is another day lost that can't be returned to you.
So, start preparing to take your life back!
debbie
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
real vulnerability
Look what I found out there on the world wide web:
Upon being asked what men would love in a woman, this straight man, who was formerly married to a lesbian, wrote some things that have sent me into an awe- inspiring and previously buried temptation to hope for something I wasn't sure was even possible.
I didn't know there were men like this in this world. This is what I believe most straight wives would only dream of ever receiving.
It seems that str8 husbands of lesbians and str8 wives of gay men have something in common: a desire to genuinely love and be loved freely and passionately and for a mutual appreciation for all the ways they are loved. Yes, you may be thinking, "Isn't that what everyone would want?" Yes, I would think that most people would want that, BUT a str8 spouse of a homosexual has just flat out not ever experienced this in their marriage so it is something they need at a level of depth that would best enable them to completely and securely abandon themselves. I believe this comes from years of deprivation and from the pain that results.
Here are the words that so pulled at my heart strings upon reading them:
I would love in a woman honesty (even more so now), humor, a mind-blowing smile, romantic, sensual, confident, somewhat feminine (wasn't on list pre-marriage), intelligent, creative...pretty much the usual stuff that is probably posted on n% of on line dating service profiles, blah blah blah....
But in a more "real life" sense, I crave a woman who KNOWS how deeply I would appreciate every little thing about her, from the way she would wrinkle her nose like a bunny rabbit when laughing, to being totally blown away by small tokens and gestures of affection, to wanting to be nurtured as much as she wants to nurture her man. Even little things like when she comes home at end of the day, and I am practically as joyful as a puppy, and she totally digs it. Someone whose life is just as unfullfiled without me as I would be without her. I'm not trying to sound cocky or that I am all that (believe me, I'm not!), but a perfect fit for me would be someone whom I could be totally crazy for and she LOVES how crazy I am for her. I guess it's kinda "giver" vs. "taker" roles exemplified, and I desire to be with someone who also desires to be both. Maybe I am in dreamland or just have my head up my azz. (see, he has a tough time hoping too)
Addendums (just rambling):
Calm in chaos,
Eyes that let you into her secret world
Loves touching and being touched
Knows the power of The Kiss
Is totally comfortable with herself whomever that happens to be but doesnt take herself (or life) TOO seriously
Not clingy / needy (way different than being passionately in love)
spontaneous
Willing to share every part of her life with me and learn every part of mine
Wants to be appreceiated. Expects it.
Loves being in love.
I could probably go on and on with this list, but hope this is good for starters.
Wow, is all I can say...
debbie
Upon being asked what men would love in a woman, this straight man, who was formerly married to a lesbian, wrote some things that have sent me into an awe- inspiring and previously buried temptation to hope for something I wasn't sure was even possible.
I didn't know there were men like this in this world. This is what I believe most straight wives would only dream of ever receiving.
It seems that str8 husbands of lesbians and str8 wives of gay men have something in common: a desire to genuinely love and be loved freely and passionately and for a mutual appreciation for all the ways they are loved. Yes, you may be thinking, "Isn't that what everyone would want?" Yes, I would think that most people would want that, BUT a str8 spouse of a homosexual has just flat out not ever experienced this in their marriage so it is something they need at a level of depth that would best enable them to completely and securely abandon themselves. I believe this comes from years of deprivation and from the pain that results.
Here are the words that so pulled at my heart strings upon reading them:
I would love in a woman honesty (even more so now), humor, a mind-blowing smile, romantic, sensual, confident, somewhat feminine (wasn't on list pre-marriage), intelligent, creative...pretty much the usual stuff that is probably posted on n% of on line dating service profiles, blah blah blah....
But in a more "real life" sense, I crave a woman who KNOWS how deeply I would appreciate every little thing about her, from the way she would wrinkle her nose like a bunny rabbit when laughing, to being totally blown away by small tokens and gestures of affection, to wanting to be nurtured as much as she wants to nurture her man. Even little things like when she comes home at end of the day, and I am practically as joyful as a puppy, and she totally digs it. Someone whose life is just as unfullfiled without me as I would be without her. I'm not trying to sound cocky or that I am all that (believe me, I'm not!), but a perfect fit for me would be someone whom I could be totally crazy for and she LOVES how crazy I am for her. I guess it's kinda "giver" vs. "taker" roles exemplified, and I desire to be with someone who also desires to be both. Maybe I am in dreamland or just have my head up my azz. (see, he has a tough time hoping too)
Addendums (just rambling):
Calm in chaos,
Eyes that let you into her secret world
Loves touching and being touched
Knows the power of The Kiss
Is totally comfortable with herself whomever that happens to be but doesnt take herself (or life) TOO seriously
Not clingy / needy (way different than being passionately in love)
spontaneous
Willing to share every part of her life with me and learn every part of mine
Wants to be appreceiated. Expects it.
Loves being in love.
I could probably go on and on with this list, but hope this is good for starters.
Wow, is all I can say...
debbie
Monday, March 19, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Bonnie gets real with a gay husband
Hello again! Thanks for stopping by.
Part of what Bonnie Kaye does is counsel married gay men who come to her wanting advice on how/when/why to come out to their wives. Most of the time they are truly desiring to do the right thing and some eventually do tell their wives that they are gay. Bonnie gladly helps these soul-searching men because she genuinely cares for them and because she knows how much their wives are hurt by their secret. I want to share with you a very small window into her work with these men. I have changed some of her words for clarity or added a few for emphasis.
In Bonnie Kaye's March 2012 newsletter she writes:
I have several men who have been writing to me for a couple of years. They (say) they truly love their wives and cannot bear the thought of “hurting” them over this. They say that If they tell their wives the truth, they will never be able to handle it. Or that their wives may very well hate their husbands and ask them to leave. How would they ever survive without their family? They say their families mean more to them than anything in the world. And anyway, they say, in every other way they are excellent providers, companions, and fathers. Why destroy their happiness?Right?
Wrong.
Bonnie continues by saying:
I am sorry, but I am just not buying into this anymore. My patience is really diminishing and I’m taking a harsher “tough love” stance. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older and don’t have as much time in front of me as I had in back of me to be patient.
Here’s what I am thinking. A gay man states he loves you and could never destroy your happiness. Although in theory that sounds nice, I don’t understand it. Does a gay man honestly believe that sexual rejection doesn’t count as a problem in a marriage? Does he think that sleeping in the same bed without any kind of intimacy and lovemaking means that you, his loving wife, can be happy? Does he think that because he’s happy not having sexual relations with you that you are happy not having them with him? Does he realize that not a day goes by without you wondering what is wrong with YOU because he doesn’t want to touch you in a loving way or make love to you?
Some of these men are REALLY NICE MEN. They are not like some of the others who continually berate their wives out of frustration from their constant internal struggle or otherwise blame them for the problems in the marriage because they think thier wives are the reason they are now struggling to live contently as a "straight" husband. No, these are good guys who THINK they are doing the right thing. But guess what? They aren’t—and here’s why.
Every woman who is unknowingly married to a gay man KNOWS that something is wrong in her marriage. Every day she feels like SHE is the failure because her husband can’t stand the thought of touching her and makes dozens of excuses until she stops asking. Every day she doubts herself and her ability to be a worthy wife and woman because you can’t make her feel like one. “I love you” sounds nice, but we all heard that growing up from our fathers and brothers. We didn’t want to marry a father or a brother. We wanted to marry a man who could be a husband in the true sense of the word HUSBAND. This equates into LOVER. That equates into MAKING LOVE WITH PASSION AND FOREPLAY on a regularly anticipated basis. Guys, do you realize that your wives are pretending as much as you are? They are. You are pretending to be a haappy straight husband, and they are pretending to be a happy straight wife because they love you and hold themselves responsible for your being unhappy, in the bedroom or out. Trust me--they aren't happy; they are ripped apart inside from your “LOVE.” Nothing they do seems to make any difference. It can't because you are not who you say you are.
I learned long ago that the word “Love” can be as bad as any of those other horrible four- letter words. I don’t want someone to "love and cherish" me by making me feel ugly and unworthy of affection, intimacy and sexual love. Every day that you think you are protecting your wives in the name of “love,” you are really killing a piece of them instead.
This is a letter I wrote last week to one of these nice men after several years of his writing to me about feeling so torn in his marriage because he loves his wife so much:
After much dwelling on your words of how much you love your wife, I realize that you couldn't possibly love her that much if you aren't telling her the truth. Every woman who is married to a gay man knows there is something wrong in her marriage. Every day she feels like a failure because her husband doesn't want her, and in fact, feels repulsed by "making love" to her. How do you feel justified in making her feel like a failure if you really love her? Will you not tell her your secret because you really love her or because you are afraid for yourself? When you married her, you promised to love and cherish her. Is living with your secret a way of doing this? I don't think so.
You've told me that you are afraid of how she'll handle it when she finds out. Guess what? At this point, does it matter? If she screams, yells, hits you, threatens you, does it really matter? Or does it count more that you are going to finally explain to her why all these years of a lack of intimacy and sex can AT LAST make sense and she can stop blaming herself?
Please….just do it. And do it fast. Make time to talk to her alone. Tell her you've gone for help and therapy to see how you can change these feelings and you now know you can't. You love her--but you are gay. She is not to blame. She did not fail as a wife. You failed as a straight man because you are a gay man no matter how much you may not want to be one.
Please do the right thing. Every day, a piece of your wife dies because you are forcing her to live your lie by not telling her why your marriage is failing. If you love her, prove it--to yourself--and to her.
Ya gotta love Bonnie for being real and showing tough love by strongly encouraging these men to do the same. Not all straight wives who are married to gay men have the same degree or extent of the typical side effects in their marriages. But, as Bonnie says, all of them know "something" is wrong and all of them try hard to fix "it" in one way or another without much, if any, success. They all deserve the truth.
For more information or for descriptions of her many wonderfully helpful and informative books, including Over The Cliff, Gay Husbands in Straight Marriages, visit her websites; http://www.straightwives.com/, or http://www.gayhusbands.com/, or http://www.bonniekayebooks.com/
For more information or for descriptions of her many wonderfully helpful and informative books, including Over The Cliff, Gay Husbands in Straight Marriages, visit her websites; http://www.straightwives.com/, or http://www.gayhusbands.com/, or http://www.bonniekayebooks.com/
Until next time...
debbie
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
some people
Some people will not put forth emotional honesty with others. They would rather defend their dishonesty on the grounds that it might appear moral. Therefore, having rationalized their phoniness into righteousness, they settle for superficial relationships while thinking they have so much to offer their fellow human beings. 
ugh, I can't think of a more miserable or misery causing person to be around than the one this describes. Can you?
debbie
ugh, I can't think of a more miserable or misery causing person to be around than the one this describes. Can you?
debbie
Friday, March 9, 2012
14 women being real
Last weekend 14 wives and ex wives of gay men got together to share our stories, our pain and our triumphs. Amazing how connected we all felt...like sisters in a family that nobody else can quite understand. We talked a lot about how difficult it is for people to "get it"or to understand just how painful and unreal our struggle is. Some of us are still coming to terms with what we've learned. Some didn't quite know what to do next, but we all know that we know that our husbands are gay. Bonnie told us what we needed to hear, and we shared laughter and tears. Thankfully there was much more laughter. We are a strong bunch of women. We have to be. We are all on different parts of the journey we call "Gay Husband Recovery" because as Bonnie says, "Life wasn't meant to be this complicated."
here is some more of what Bonnie says:
"I always tell women to follow their instincts. Women who have straight husbands don’t come to me thinking that their husbands are gay. Women can sense when something is off or wrong in a relationship. Some are misled into thinking that it could be infidelity with another woman at first because the idea of a man is inconceivable. By the time a woman suspects that the issue is homosexuality, her sixth sense has surfaced and she just KNOWS. Statistics say that over 50% of gay husbands will never be honest with their wives or tell them the truth about why the marriage isn’t working. They often turn the tables and make you think that you are crazy or imagining things even when you have proof. Or when the marriage ends, they name a dozen faults that you have that made the marriage fail even if they aren’t true. Don’t spend a lifetime waiting for confirmation. Move on with your life so you can find the happiness and peace of mind you deserve."
Thanks Bonnie! What would we do without you? I'd rather not think about that!
debbie
here is some more of what Bonnie says:
"I always tell women to follow their instincts. Women who have straight husbands don’t come to me thinking that their husbands are gay. Women can sense when something is off or wrong in a relationship. Some are misled into thinking that it could be infidelity with another woman at first because the idea of a man is inconceivable. By the time a woman suspects that the issue is homosexuality, her sixth sense has surfaced and she just KNOWS. Statistics say that over 50% of gay husbands will never be honest with their wives or tell them the truth about why the marriage isn’t working. They often turn the tables and make you think that you are crazy or imagining things even when you have proof. Or when the marriage ends, they name a dozen faults that you have that made the marriage fail even if they aren’t true. Don’t spend a lifetime waiting for confirmation. Move on with your life so you can find the happiness and peace of mind you deserve."
Thanks Bonnie! What would we do without you? I'd rather not think about that!
debbie
Thursday, March 1, 2012
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