it's global

I just came across this exerpt:In the current issue of the Economist they have a story about homosexuality in China, and in it there was this interesting assertion:

The desire for male descendants has had many baleful consequences in China, and in recent years one that used to be hidden has come to light. Millions upon millions of women are trapped in loveless and often miserable marriages to homosexual men. [...]  It is estimated that 15-20% of gay men in America marry heterosexual women. But Liu Dalin, a pioneering sexologist now retired from the University of Shanghai, has put the share in China at 90%.

I am one of millions upon millions...but I am no longer trapped. It's tough enough in America, but I cannot imagine what the women in some of these very male dominated countries suffer through. I hope we can eventually reach them with the message that they are not alone.

debbie

real hope ahead

Hello friends. It has been almost a month since I wrote on my blog. I'm so sorry. Things have been hectic at work and I don't have internet at home right now. Life is ok; moving along. Kids are good. Life as a straight wife is always interesting. I am so glad to be legally, physically, and emotionally separated from my gay husband. I will let you all know when I can finally say he's my ex husband. Tough stuff for all of us, though. I shared my story with two friends last night and it was interesting to tell it from the place of being 14 months post leaving the home and 12 months post discovering the reality of him being gay; not healed of being gay as he had claimed. All of my children have been told my side of the story now and with God's grace they're progressing in their understanding and acceptance of it. A lot could be worse, but in time a lot will be better as well. Last night at bible study, the leader asked us each to chose one word that describes where we are now as we look ahead a bit  in our lives. I chose the word "hopeful". I like that word. The last time I was in a place like this I was separated from an abusive man and pregnant with my second child, a daughter who I decided to give the middle name Hope to. I had gone through very tough times and was looking ahead with hope. I am doing the same now. I hope all of you can too.

Take care and feel free to write anytime.

debbie

stop this crazy ride!

REAListic

unREAL

I think when we decide to get married we all expect some ups and downs. Agreed? Even when most people realize that there are sometimes seasons in marriage where there are more downs than ups, they settle in and go with the flow and ride it out with their spouse because they can see the UPs from the bottom of the DOWNs. This gives them hope and even bonds them closer together.

But what happens when you are literally jerked around at every turn and you never know which way the marriage ride will take you next? How can you relax and ride it out with hope when you can't even look back to see clearly where you've come from or look forward to see where you're going? When you look to your spouse for assurance you get something else instead.You may even feel like jumping from the ride just to stop the madness.

This is how it feels when you're in a marrige to a gay spouse. Before you realize your spouse is gay you have no clue why your life feels so wrong and so confusing and so hopeless. After you find out, you continue to feel that way. BUT there is a major difference. NOW you know the reason for all of that neverending frustration on the crazy ride you've been trying to make sense of. NOW you know that you can stop the ride and get off, and you don't ever have to get back on again.

It won't be easy because your gay spouse may do everything in his power to keep you there and keep you believing that the ride will smooth out and slow down soon if you just hang on. But don't believe it! Take control of your life and start to see a much smoother and friendlier life in your future.

debbie

what would bonnie say?

HELLO!!

I think this will be the first of occasional posts entitled, "what would Bonnie Kaye say?'
I recently read this letter from a gay husband on the SSN forum. The forum will occasionally be contacted by those who do not fit into the str8 spouse category.
Well, this guy wrote for advice.
Anybody wanna play? Just read the REAL story below and write what you think Bonnie would have to say to either the gay husband who wrote it or to his wife if she could. Who wants to go first???

So i really need help. I have been married for almost 10 years have three boys(9,5,3) and a wonderful wife. I have suspected i was gay since i was 11 or so, but denied it as hard as i could. I went through high school and college having a few girlfriends. I met my wife and married her after 6 months of knowing her. I started professional school 4 years ago and i am about to graduate in may. Right before i started school i started to realize that this may not be where i am supposed to be. I wanted to tell her, but told my mom instead. I convinced her and myself that this is a choice and i could get over it. I do love my wife. Now i am almost done with school and she has put up with me this entire time taking care of our home and kids. I met someone else and he is great. We met for nsa sex, but it was different after. We had such a connection that i cant explain. I have decided that i cant live this lie anymore and i need to tell her. I talked to my mom again and she thinks i should wait till after my graduation so i dont ruin it. I now have to carry around this burden for over a month. I really want to tell her sooner,but completely understand the need to wait also. She is planning a big party for me and such. If i wait, how long after graduation do i wait??


thanks for playing!!

debbie

bonnie's friends, welcome to my blog!

Every month there are thousands of women and even some men that can't wait to get Bonnie Kaye's newest newsletter in their inboxes. I am one of them. Well, it came today and, wow, was I overjoyed to read that Bonnie introduced me to all of you and invited you to take a look at my blog. I am so excited and it sure would be nice to get to know some of you. Please feel free to write and let me know you stopped by. Also, I would love to read your thoughts or ideas about posts, so comments are cherished.

I plan on going to Philly in September. Let's make it the biggest and best Straight Wives gathering ever.

This blog is dedicated to our friend and hero, Bonnie. May we all continue to heal, grow, learn, and gain strength through our gay husband recovery process.

love and blessings to you all!! And again...WELCOME

debbie

blog talk radio

Have ya heard of it? Well, on blog talk radio ANYONE can have a radio show about anything they want, as far as I understand.
I want to tell you about the radio show I listen to. It's called The Straight Wives Talk Show hosted by Bonnie Kaye and co-host Misti. They often have very special guests, including women like you and me who share their stories. This radio show is one of my many support systems. If you are a straight wife I guarantee you will get a lot out of listening. Each show is close to an hour and a half so listen to it when you have some alone time for yourself. I know, I know, who has that? Well take a break from the mundane chores or whatever and just relax and listen and be encouraged.

go to http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ and put "straight wives" in the search window. Select the most recent or go back in time and choose a past show. They're all great. If you want to listen live I believe they begin at 9 pm eastern standard time most every Sunday night.

If ya catch a show let me know what you think.

debbie

women and children

Collateral damage occurs when something incidental to the intended target is damaged during an attack. When used in conjunction with military operations it can refer to the incidental destruction of civilian property and non-combatant casualties.<sup>[1][2]


How often do we hear these words together; women and children and collateral damage? Aside from being a term associated with the unfortunate unintended human losses during war, "collateral damage" has become a household term. More specifically a broken household term. Divorce is hard enough on everyone, but in situations where there is a gay spouse, the hurt, confusion, lies, and damage is especially insidious. The average person, although not liking divorce, can understand typical reasons and side effects for the average divorce. But how many people can really understand the intricacies and twilight-zone aspects of a relationship and divorce which imbodies a gay spouse, especially one who cannot even admit to it? The only people I've found who can understand are those who've been through it. BUT even so, those who have been through it are continually doing battle with the debilitating effects and aftershocks of their own experience. There is wonderful support out there for the straight spouses in these marriages, BUT the children suffer in ways we adults cannot completely fathom. We see the outward behaviors and emotions that they exhibit but we can't know what's going on inside of them. Why? Because it isn't something they can make sense of themselves. They do not have the life experiences, the maturity or even the vocabulary to sort it out in a way they can remotely understand or express.
A recent member's post on the Straight Spouse Network forum says that there should be a law against a gay person marrying a straight person without complete disclosure beforehand. Why did so many people comment in wholehearted agreement? Because they are homophobic and want to discriminate and remove freedoms from others? NO! It is because they and their children are the collateral damage in a marriage that should never have happened in the first place. This unfortunate occurrance in their lives becomes the overpowering force by which their futures are pretty much defined by. This may sound very negative. But the reason why is truly that although there is always the possibility for hope and healing, collateral damage is still defined as unintended casualties/injuries. Something always dies in the falling out of these marriages. And something always is injured. Death and injuries always cause hurt and pain. Hurt and pain always cause disruption at deep levels. All these things have lasting negative consequences on the most innocent of victims. The cries of these innocents shout out for everything to just go away...but it won't.

debbie</sup>

who would we be?

Back in April of 2001, Bonnie Kaye wrote these words. They come from her April 2001 Newsletter as published in Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk, a Collection of Her Best Newsletters About Gay Husbands.
These two paragraphs struck me when I first read them, and they still strike me now. It doesn't help to play the "what if game" often, but it DOES put things in perspective. We all could use a little perspective.
Here goes:

APRIL 2001

Just think. Who would we be today if we had a normal straight husband? How would our destiny have changed if we were loved, nurtured, sexually desired with passion and tenderness, given emotional support and encouragement, and made to feel like we are a part of a real couple in tune with each other's needs, wants, and aspirations? What if we didn't have to spend countless hours each day wondering why we are failures as wives, women, and lovers--ripping away at our self-esteem layer by layer until we became strangers to ourselves and others? What if our husband's dishonesty and cheating didn't change us to become untrusting, suspicious, and doubting wives, forcing us to question our ability to make rational decisions? How many of us were sidetracked through those "detours of deceit" that diverted us from the direction that life may have taken otherwise?

You may be thinking, "My marriage with my husband isn't/wasn't THAT bad. After all, we were pretty good friends. If that's you, I am happy for you (not my experience),

BUT...the bottom line is no matter how much a gay man loves a straight woman, it is not the kind of love that fulfills the basic human need that all of us have. It can never be the kind of love that inspires the music that becomes classics or the poetry that makes the heart flutter. It is not the kind of love that can ever be returned to the degree that you are giving it. Even the best of these relationships are barely more than great friendships--not the passion and excitement that makes us thrive and look forward to waking up each day. And even these "good friendships" are woven with dishonesty, distrust, infidelity, resentment, and frustration.

Life was not meant to be this complicated.

Again, Bonnie, thank you for your wisdom. Who would we be without you?

debbie

are you true?

debbie thinks, " This is true for me and maybe for you but it's not true for those who are untrue to who is truly inside. They'd rather be a who who is not the real them so that you will never know who is truly true. But those who are untrue to who they truly are don't ever get to feel the feeling of being true to you...or them. The true that is truly them is only on the inside because on the outside they are untrue... to me and to you. PHEW!
I'd rather be me. Wouldn't you?

debbie

be real with your wife

hey all! There is so much good stuff out there that Bonnie Kaye has written. I'd be negligent to not share some of it with you often. Not only does Bonnie work with straight wives to help them through what she calls "gay husband recovery" but she also works with gay men married to straight women. She does her very best to convince them to stop hiding and be REAL with their wives; to do the right thing. Here she is in all her glory talking to these men as only she can. Thanks Bonnie.

COME OUT TO YOUR WIFE
BY BONNIE KAYE

Over the last fifteen years, I have worked with thousands of straight wives who learned at some point during their marriage that their husbands are gay. Through the years, members of the gay community have criticized me for taking a position that I maintain to be moral, ethical, and necessary. These words of conscience need to be heard by those of you who are gay or bisexual men married to heterosexual women. It is about truth, honesty, and commitment towards the person who should be the primary focus in your life. To put it quite simply - COME OUT TO YOUR WIFE. This plea is not being made out of sheer emotionalism, but rather from common sense, logic, and a sense of fair play.

Marriage is the highest form of commitment a man can make with a woman. It supersedes all prior relationships and goes beyond friendship. The person you marry lives with you on a day-to-day basis and shares your life — the good times and bad, during sickness and health, through your moments of glory and depths of despair. It is a relationship built on trust and honesty towards each other. That is not to say that every move in a marriage must be explained. Sooner or later we all fall into the trap of making up "little white lies;" however, hiding your homosexuality is not exactly keeping a little secret when it plays such a big role in your life. It is living a lie. You are living a double life in two separate worlds, and the twain will never meet. There is another side of you that is totally hidden from the person who has so much trust in you and relies on you for basic honesty.

There is another issue that must be mentioned. If you identify yourself as gay or bisexual, then chances are you are participating in some kind of sexual activity outside your marriage. Justify it as you may, but this is infidelity. I have often heard the standard excuses from Gay Husbands stating that they don’t consider gay sexual encounters as cheating because it is not sex with another woman. But as the saying goes, a rose by any other name is still a rose, and a sex partner, regardless of the gender, is still an act of infidelity.

I am certainly not making a value judgment about the nature of your sexuality. In fact, no one would be more delighted than I, the former wife of a gay man, if people could learn to come to terms with themselves. If you are gay and have the need to be part of the gay world, I am all for it, but not at the expense of your wife who is sitting at home worrying day in and day out about what is wrong with her. From the wives of gay men I have spoken to and counseled, there was one common overriding feeling — the torture of not knowing what the problem in the marriage was. While the gay husband may think he is juggling his life around to please everyone, his wife increasingly senses that there is something dramatically wrong with the marriage, and yet she cannot put her finger on the problem. She feels a pull, often alienation, and keeps asking herself where she is going wrong. She finds herself buying every aid available to be "more of a woman," never realizing that the problem is she is not a man.

And what about the Gay Husband? You are suffering too, but in a different way. You often are feeling guilty. Most times when you have moments of intimacy with your wife, which you find diminishing as time passes, your body is with her, but you mind is with someone else. You are functioning and performing, but starting to resent your wife for putting you in a position to feel pushed to do something that is becoming more and more uncomfortable for you. You have to keep inventing excuses of why you are not in the mood and hoping that she will love you enough to believe them, even when she knows they are lies. You have to live in a state of hiding, hoping that no one you know will bump into you when you’re out being yourself in fear of their revealing this information to your wife. It can't be easy living with this kind of a lie.

I am not insensitive. I know how difficult it is to go to the one person in your life who probably means more to you than anyone else in the world and tell her something this explosive. I know you are taking a big chance and there is a lot at risk here. You are taking a chance of losing your wife, your children, and your security. But let’s be honest. You are losing them anyway. Once your wife feels the pull, she is going to start to drift emotionally and mentally. If she can’t be happy, your children won’t be happy. Somewhere down the line, the family structure will break down, even if no one but you knows the real reason why. And, at that point, it will be your fault because you didn’t have the guts to do the right thing while you had the chance.

No wife likes hearing the kind of news that you are going to tell her, and it is going to be a rough road ahead to bring things back to a natural course, if it can ever be brought back. But there are relationships that are working out once the news is out. A sense of friendship and understanding can develop once honesty is on the table, perhaps not under the same roof, but throughout life. This is the most important factor when you are raising a family.

Coming out is a gamble that can go either way, but almost every major decision in life is a gamble. And when you consider what the stakes are here, hopefully you’ll realize it’s a chance you have to take.

hey there

 Hey there! Glad you stopped by. Don't forget to look at some of my earlier posts. The last several are getting a lot of hits, but there are some good ones from February and early March. Thanks again for stopping by! I would love to hear from you. Happy Spring!!

debbie

happiness is a warm puppy

My daughter just got the cutest little dachsund puppy. It truly is the cutest little thing, and it has brought so much happiness to her life.

Ya know, until recently, I've never put a lot of stake in being happy. The only reason I can give you for this is some teaching in the Christian church that I have heard over the years. I was told that to be happy wasn't the goal we are supposed to have in our lives since it is based on things and is temporary. Instead we should have joy because, they say,  joy is something we can have even when things aren't going well in our lives. Well there hasn't been a lot of time in my adult life where things have been going well but joy definitely had its place, thanks to my children and a God who never leaves. However, I bought the idea that I shouldn't strive to be happy because happiness, I thought, is just not all that it's cracked up to be.

I NO LONGER believe that. In fairness, I still believe that people can have joy in the midst of terrible circumstances, BUT I do not believe that happiness is something not worth striving for. What is happiness? Remember the Charlie Brown books entitled, "Happiness is a Warm Puppy", and "Happiness is a Sad Song"? Those are the best little books of "happiness is" one liners. I think all of us should be able to write our own little "Happiness Is..." books. A year ago I may not have been able to muster up many things because I was in a tough place. But I know some things that have always made me smile and over the last year I've tried to surround myself with those things. Springtime holds lots of those things for me and I can't help but feel all warm and fuzzy with the sunshine.

If you are at a place where life is just weighing you down and your thoughts are so full of the negativity surrounding your circumstances, I urge you to look for LITTLE things that make you smile and put them all around you. Soon all those little happy things may add up to one big bunch of happiness.
Be courageous! Be happy!

debbie

what is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
The term "gaslighting" comes from the play Gas Light and its film adaptations. In those works a character uses a variety of tricks to convince his spouse that she is crazy, so that she won't be believed when she reports strange things that are genuinely occuring, including the dimming of the gas lamps in the house (which happens when her husband turns on the normally unused gas lamps in the attic to conduct clandestine activities there). Since then, it has become a colloquial expression that is now also used in clinical and research literature.^[1][2]

I recently borrowed the old movie called Gaslight. It was quite profound. I highly recommend it.

IN THE WORLD OF GAY SPOUSE DISCOVERY AND RECOVERY, some prefer to call it gaylighting. (go to link to listen to Bonnie Kaye speak about this)

Gaylighitng is how a straight spouse is manipulated and lied to and made to feel that the problems in the marriage are all his/her fault. The way that we are made to feel like the crazy ones when things just don't add up and we question things...the way we are told, "I am happy, it's you that isn't happy", the way we are told, "all marriages have problems", ... the excuses we are told when it has been months or years since our spouse has had sex with us...the way we are told, but in words only, "I love you" but are rejected constantly. The way words and emotions shared can get so twisted around...the way pretzel logic is used in a way that it makes so much sense to them, but makes us overthink everything and question ourselves.

This isn't just part of my story but part of countless other straight spouse stories. One straight wife calls it "dancing in the circle of crazy".

And Bonnie Kaye says, "Life wasn't meant to be this complicated".

Take steps to free yourself from the chaos. Recognize the gaylighting/manipulation for what it is; a desperate attempt to control you and to make you and others think there is something wrong with you.

you are NOT alone,

debbie

should I stay or should I go?

 Everyday I read a new tale of a straight wife who has just discovered that her husband is gay. And everyday  I am saddened and angered. Again? It seems to be happening at an alarming rate.
These ladies who have just discovered the ugly truth are so hurt, confused, and shocked. The time it takes to process something like this is usually not quick. I understand that they may not know right away if they want to end the marriage or not.
But in addition, I also regularly read stories of women who are still with their gay husbands 3, 4, or, even 5 years after discovering that they are gay. They still say that they don't know what to do, but they never say they are happy.

Here's something Bonnie Kaye, my friend and mentor, has to say about this:

"The longer you stay, the harder it becomes to leave. Now some of you would think that the longer you stay the more disgusted  you'll become and the easier it will be for you to leave. That's not the way it works. The longer you stay the more comfortable you become with your surroundings, yet with a weaker mental state that makes you more willing to sacrifice happiness for material security. The older you get, the more difficult it is to start over. The longer you stay, the more of your life you throw away. Living with a gay husband is living in an abusive situation. No matter how nice your gay husband is, knowing that he wants to be with a man and not you is emotionally destructive. And I refuse to condone this because it would make me irresponsible. This is not to say that your gay husband is intentionally abusive, BUT the entire situation is abusive. Peace of mind and a sense of self worth is something that you cannot achieve when living with a gay man. Period."

Bonnie knows that there are some legitimate reasons why it can take a woman a few years or more to get out. But she urges all straight wives to make an exit plan and to continue moving forward toward the goal of freedom and peace of mind because every day that you stay in a debilitating situation is another day lost that can't be returned to you.

So, start preparing to take your life back!

debbie

real vulnerability

Look what I found out there on the world wide web:

Upon being asked what men would love in a woman, this straight man, who was formerly married to a lesbian, wrote some things that have sent me into an awe- inspiring and previously buried temptation to hope for something I wasn't sure was even possible.
 I didn't know there were men like this in this world.  This is what I believe most straight wives would only dream of ever receiving.
It seems that str8 husbands of lesbians and str8 wives of gay men have something in common: a desire to genuinely love and be loved freely and passionately and for a mutual appreciation for all the ways they are loved.  Yes, you may be thinking, "Isn't that what everyone would want?" Yes, I would think that most people would want that, BUT a str8 spouse of a homosexual has just flat out not ever experienced this in their marriage so it is something they need at a level of depth that would best enable them to completely and securely abandon themselves. I believe this comes from years of deprivation and from the pain that results.
Here are the words that so pulled at my heart strings upon reading them:


I would love in a woman honesty (even more so now), humor, a mind-blowing smile, romantic, sensual, confident, somewhat feminine (wasn't on list pre-marriage), intelligent, creative...pretty much the usual stuff that is probably posted on n% of on line dating service profiles, blah blah blah....

But in a more "real life" sense, I crave a woman who KNOWS how deeply I would appreciate every little thing about her, from the way she would wrinkle her nose like a bunny rabbit when laughing, to being totally blown away by small tokens and gestures of affection, to wanting to be nurtured as much as she wants to nurture her man. Even little things like when she comes home at end of the day, and I am practically as joyful as a puppy, and she totally digs it. Someone whose life is just as unfullfiled without me as I would be without her. I'm not trying to sound cocky or that I am all that (believe me, I'm not!), but a perfect fit for me would be someone whom I could be totally crazy for and she LOVES how crazy I am for her. I guess it's kinda "giver" vs. "taker" roles exemplified, and I desire to be with someone who also desires to be both. Maybe I am in dreamland or just have my head up my azz. (see, he has a tough time hoping too)

Addendums (just rambling):
Calm in chaos,
Eyes that let you into her secret world
Loves touching and being touched
Knows the power of The Kiss
Is totally comfortable with herself whomever that happens to be but doesnt take herself (or life) TOO seriously
Not clingy / needy (way different than being passionately in love)
spontaneous
Willing to share every part of her life with me and learn every part of mine
Wants to be appreceiated. Expects it.
Loves being in love.

I could probably go on and on with this list, but hope this is good for starters.

Wow, is all I can say...
debbie

GOOD question!!

"",

asks the gay man.

"Enough said", replies Debbie.

debbie

two-faced reality

No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true. Nathaniel Hawthorne

How awful and downright stressful it must be to try to hide who you are to the world, day in and day out.  When you've lived for most of your life pretending to be who you aren't for fear that people won't accept you, you can sometimes fool a lot of people. But as they say, you can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time.

 When gay husbands to straight wives do everything in their power to keep the truth hidden, they are fooling themselves to think, "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". It's hurting her alright. and the kids too. Secrets and lies are forms of deception, and deception kills relationships.  So stop fooling yourself and others and BE REAL. Do some soul-searching and learn to accept who you really are. You will find that when you can accept yourself, others will too.

Most every woman who finds out that she has been married to a gay man is infinitely MORE devastated by the lies and deception than she is about the fact that her husband is gay. Yes, it is a shock, BUT it is the deception that hurts the most.

TELL the TRUTH

debbie

Read more: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/n/nathanielh108644.html#ixzz1pXZCfgfA

real women are givers (funny)

Whatever You Give A Woman, She Will Make Greater

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.

LOL, I guess when people say, "Don't take crap from anyone" they forgot to add "unless you give it back 100 fold"
debbie

real funny; when you've got to laugh to keep from crying

Bonnie gets real with a gay husband

Hello again! Thanks for stopping by.

Part of what Bonnie Kaye does is counsel married gay men who come to her wanting advice on how/when/why to come out to their wives. Most of the time they are truly desiring to do the right thing and some eventually do tell their wives that they are gay. Bonnie gladly helps these soul-searching men because she genuinely cares for them and because she knows how much their wives are hurt by their secret. I want to share with you a very small window into her work with these men. I have changed some of her words for clarity or added a few for emphasis.

In Bonnie Kaye's March 2012 newsletter she writes:

I have several men who have been writing to me for a couple of years. They (say) they truly love their wives and cannot bear the thought of “hurting” them over this. They say that If they tell their wives the truth, they will never be able to handle it. Or that their wives may very well hate their husbands and ask them to leave. How would they ever survive without their family? They say their families mean more to them than anything in the world. And anyway, they say, in every other way they are excellent providers, companions, and fathers. Why destroy their happiness?Right?

Wrong.

Bonnie continues by saying:

 I am sorry, but I am just not buying into this anymore. My patience is really diminishing and I’m taking a harsher “tough love” stance. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older and don’t have as much time in front of me as I had in back of me to be patient.

Here’s what I am thinking. A gay man states he loves you and could never destroy your happiness. Although in theory that sounds nice, I don’t understand it. Does a gay man honestly believe that sexual rejection doesn’t count as a problem in a marriage? Does he think that sleeping in the same bed without any kind of intimacy and lovemaking means that you, his loving wife, can be happy? Does he think that because he’s happy not having sexual relations with you that you are happy not having them with him? Does he realize that not a day goes by without you wondering what is wrong with YOU because he doesn’t want to touch you in a loving way or make love to you?

Some of these men are REALLY NICE MEN. They are not like some of the others who continually berate their wives out of frustration from their constant internal struggle or otherwise blame them for the problems in the marriage because they think thier wives are the reason they are now struggling to live contently as a "straight" husband. No, these are good guys who THINK they are doing the right thing. But guess what? They aren’t—and here’s why.

Every woman who is unknowingly married to a gay man KNOWS that something is wrong in her marriage. Every day she feels like SHE is the failure because her husband can’t stand the thought of touching her and makes dozens of excuses until she stops asking. Every day she doubts herself and her ability to be a worthy wife and woman because you can’t make her feel like one. “I love you” sounds nice, but we all heard that growing up from our fathers and brothers. We didn’t want to marry a father or a brother. We wanted to marry a man who could be a husband in the true sense of the word HUSBAND. This equates into LOVER. That equates into MAKING LOVE WITH PASSION AND FOREPLAY on a regularly anticipated basis. Guys, do you realize that your wives are pretending as much as you are? They are. You are pretending to be a haappy straight husband, and they are pretending to be a happy straight wife because they love you  and hold themselves responsible for your being unhappy, in the bedroom or out. Trust me--they aren't happy; they are ripped apart inside from your “LOVE.” Nothing they do seems to make any difference. It can't because you are not who you say you are.

I learned long ago that the word “Love” can be as bad as any of those other horrible four- letter words. I don’t want someone to "love and cherish" me by making me feel ugly and unworthy of affection, intimacy and sexual love. Every day that you think you are protecting your wives in the name of “love,” you are really killing a piece of them instead.  

This is a letter I wrote last week to one of these nice men after several years of his writing to me about feeling so torn in his marriage because he loves his wife so much:

After much dwelling on your words of how much you love your wife, I realize that you couldn't possibly love her that much if you aren't telling her the truth. Every woman who is married to a gay man knows there is something wrong in her marriage. Every day she feels like a failure because her husband doesn't want her, and in fact, feels repulsed by "making love" to her. How do you feel justified in making her feel like a failure if you really love her? Will you not tell her your secret because you really love her or because you are afraid for yourself? When you married her, you promised to love and cherish her. Is living with your secret a way of doing this? I don't think so.

You've told me that you are afraid of how she'll handle it when she finds out. Guess what? At this point, does it matter? If she screams, yells, hits you, threatens you, does it really matter? Or does it count more that you are going to finally explain to her why all these years of a lack of intimacy and sex can AT LAST make sense and she can stop blaming herself?

Please….just do it. And do it fast. Make time to talk to her alone. Tell her you've gone for help and therapy to see how you can change these feelings and you now know you can't. You love her--but you are gay. She is not to blame. She did not fail as a wife. You failed as a straight man because you are a gay man no matter how much you may not want to be one.

Please do the right thing. Every day, a piece of your wife dies because you are forcing her to live your lie by not telling her why your marriage is failing. If you love her, prove it--to yourself--and to her.

Bonnie

Ya gotta love Bonnie for being real and showing tough love by strongly encouraging these men to do the same. Not all straight wives who are married to gay men have the same degree or extent of the typical side effects in their marriages. But, as Bonnie says, all of them know "something" is wrong and all of them try hard to fix "it" in one way or another without much, if any, success. They all deserve the truth.
 For more information or for descriptions of her many wonderfully helpful and informative books, including Over The Cliff, Gay Husbands in Straight Marriages, visit her websites; http://www.straightwives.com/, or http://www.gayhusbands.com/, or http://www.bonniekayebooks.com/

Until next time...

debbie

some people

Some people will not put forth emotional honesty with others. They would rather defend their dishonesty on the grounds that it might appear moral. Therefore, having rationalized their phoniness into righteousness, they settle for superficial relationships while thinking they have so much to offer their fellow human beings.

ugh, I can't think of a more miserable or misery causing person to be around than the one this describes. Can you?

debbie

14 women being real

Last weekend 14 wives and ex wives of gay men got together to share our stories, our pain and our triumphs. Amazing how connected we all felt...like sisters in a family that nobody else can quite understand. We talked a lot about how difficult it is for people to "get it"or to understand just how painful and unreal our struggle is. Some of us are still coming to terms with what we've learned. Some didn't quite know what to do next, but we all know that we know that our husbands are gay. Bonnie told us what we needed to hear, and we shared laughter and tears. Thankfully there was much more laughter. We are a strong bunch of women. We have to be. We are all on different parts of the journey we call "Gay Husband Recovery" because as Bonnie says, "Life wasn't meant to be this complicated."

here is some more of what Bonnie says:

"I always tell women to follow their instincts. Women who have straight husbands don’t come to me thinking that their husbands are gay. Women can sense when something is off or wrong in a relationship. Some are misled into thinking that it could be infidelity with another woman at first because the idea of a man is inconceivable. By the time a woman suspects that the issue is homosexuality, her sixth sense has surfaced and she just KNOWS. Statistics say that over 50% of gay husbands will never be honest with their wives or tell them the truth about why the marriage isn’t working. They often turn the tables and make you think that you are crazy or imagining things even when you have proof. Or when the marriage ends, they name a dozen faults that you have that made the marriage fail even if they aren’t true. Don’t spend a lifetime waiting for confirmation. Move on with your life so you can find the happiness and peace of mind you deserve."

Thanks Bonnie! What would we do without you? I'd rather not think about that!

debbie

be yourself, even if it isn't who others think you should be

nose is growing but some pretend not to notice

Back again. This time with a segment of a blog found on the Straight Souse Network. SSN has been another helpful place where I go to get support. There are articles, blogs and forums with so many real words of encouragement...from those who've been there, done that, seen that, felt that, and wanna talk about,... well, that.

debbie's own words will be in parenthesis

Up a Creek Without a Paddle

December 6, 2011, 6:24 pm

There’s an old saying “Denial ain’t just a river.” How well many of us know this!  For some straight spouses, it can feel like we have been swimming upstream trying to get an admission of truth from our current or former LGBT spouses.  We know what we know, and yet when we ask “are you gay?” we are told an emphatic NO.  For many of us (me included), the lies hurt worse than the truth.

Many of us ask “are you gay?” and are told no, of course not.  Sometimes a challenge follows the denial.  How could we ask that?  What on earth would make us think that? Perhaps there are now too many ways to evade answering the question “are you gay?” when a straight spouse asks it in frustration.  After all, many counselors will look at a distraught straight spouse in couples counseling who outlines all the reasons they think their husband or wife may be gay and tell them that none of this makes them actually gay, so why do YOU think so? (Too many people demand proof, or simply choose to believe the GID, gay in denial, spouse. Many people find it easier to believe the one in denial, which of course adds them to the list of those in denial. )

Some of us will never hear the truth – and many people around us will never want to hear the truth.  Homosexuality is still a very uncomfortable subject with many people – including those who are actually homosexual and don’t want to be!  Sometimes gay and lesbian spouses in denial resort to proclaiming us to be crazy – and often many family members and friends will believe them. It’s easier for some people to believe that we are crazy than that they are gay and in denial. (Besides, if they believe that the friend, co-worker, relative, ministry leader, workout partner, etc., is gay then they may have some adjustment struggles of their own to go through. Therefore, it’s often much easier for those on the outside looking in to side with the one in denial.)

One of the most wonderful things about the Straight Spouse Network is that we are peer to peer and confidential. One of the things we affirm for each other is this: You know what you know.  We don’t demand “proof”.  We don’t tell you that you aren’t an expert on sexuality so you don’t really know.  You DO know. You are an expert on YOUR life and YOUR situation. And it is safe to share your questions, confidences, and observations with us.  Chances are, someone in our group has had a similar experience.  We won’t tell you that you are going crazy.  Instead, we might have some ideas to help you keep from going crazy!

During times that media focuses attention on high profile cases, we often find that we are contacted by straight spouses who recognize the similarities in their own lives.  If you believe you are the straight spouse or significant other of a gay person in denial, we welcome you to contact us and get free, confidential support for yourself in a safe atmosphere.  You need it – and you deserve it.

Thanks for stopping by. Would love to hear from you.
debbie

not just an ordinary marriage failure

This weekend I will finally get to meet my friend and mentor, Bonnie Kaye. I will get to meet her and a dozen other "straight wives" as we call ourselves. It is sure to be a very emotionally real and healing as we gather in Houston, TX.
I've been re-reading for the umpteenth time Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk, a Collection of Her Best Newsletters About Gay Husbands. There's a good and a bad that come to mind every time I pick up the book. The bad is that I can relate to most of what is written in there. The good is that I can relate to most of what is in there. yes, I repeated myself. The good is good because it means I'm not alone. Yikes, but that is bad too, because it means far too many women have gone through what I've gone through.
Well it is what it is and that brings me to my reason for writing tonight. I want to copy a paragraph from Bonnie's book taken from the December 2007 Newsletter called Happy Holidays to Us. Here goes:

Many of us hear this...we should get over it. After all, half of marriages end in divorce, and life goes on. While that is true, most marriages don't come with the baggage that ours do. Our marriages are unique. We all share the same problems that straight marriages have, but we also have added issues that other divorces don't have. Other marriages may end due to a number of problems including incompatability, financial problems, growing apart, being married too young, mental health issues, or drugs and alcohol. But at least women in those marriages knew what the problems were. They weren't living someone else's lie and not understanding why they were facing the emotional turmoil and distancing.( I'm sure much of that is felt however in marriages with affairs taking place) Our marriages included a number of these common issues, but the worst issue wasn't one that we could see, but one that we couldn't see, didn't know, didn't suspect, or didn't understand. Our marriages were ruined without any ability to get better because they weren't able to be fixed. Homosexuality is not a problem that can be solved in a marriage-( and in marriage to a straight spouse) it's a problem PERIOD. It doesn't belong there lurking, hiding, and rearing it's ugly head.

Debbie again: there is so much more I could write here today and every day but I will stop here for now. Check back, especially after this weekend, for more real stuff from this straight wife.

debbie

ya gotta do what ya gotta do

more REAL stuff from Bonnie Kaye

Inserted from Bonnie Kaye's Lessons I Have Learned
Lesson#3

Although it takes two to make a marriage, when you’re married to a gay man, it only takes one to make it fall apart—namely him. Any other natural failures of straight marriages are not applicable here because your life is a distortion when your husband is gay. Whatever he objects to is through the eyes of a gay man. When he is angry with you, it is because he is frustrated being in a marriage with a straight woman and will look to find fault with YOU rather than face up to his responsibility of being honest. This is not to say you are perfect, but it wouldn’t matter if you were. He would still find fault with you because you are a woman. And a lot of you are almost perfect. That’s because the unhappier he is, the more you try to make him happy, internalizing and personalizing that his unhappiness is your fault. Untrue. He can’t be totally happy or fulfilled living with a woman no matter who the woman is. Accept it. It’s his failure, not yours. And this is not to say that he is a failure as a person. He is just a failure as a husband to a straight woman.


 Debbie's thoughts: So true and no amount of counseling can help or have any real or lasting effect on these marriages because when the husband is hiding his homosexuality from his wife and the counselor, the real issue is never addressed. So true also that they would rather let you and everyone else think that you are the one with the problems. They make you feel like you're going crazy because nothing is real and you rack your brain all the time trying to figure out why your marriage is so hard and makes no sense, then they call you crazy at any display of emotion as a result of the Twilight Zone-like life you live with him. Just a glimpe of the unreal reality of living with a closeted gay man.

Ellen being REAL about OMM...gotta see this

https://mail.risd.org/owa/redir.aspx?C=6b2077ea932a4294a4bb569f0a19f3df&URL=http%3a%2f%2fstrongmail.real.com%3a80%2ftrack%3ft%3dc%26mid%3d3358%26msgid%3d407%26did%3d1288904501%26sn%3d1244662364%26eid%3ddebra.wooding%40risd.org%26uid%3d390031%26extra%3d%26%26%262001%26%26%26http%3a%2f%2fwww.youtube.com%2fwatch%3fv%3dX4xcjYQ1Jes%26feature%3dyoutu.behttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4xcjYQ1Jes&feature=youtu.be

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4xcjYQ1Jes&feature=youtu.be

Crazy looking link but left click on it once and it will show you another link to click on. The link is a video of Ellen Degeneris on her show talking about the organization called OMM. Just yesterday I blogged about Ellen and how One Million Moms is trying to get JCPenney to drop her as their newly signed on spokesperson. I wrote OMM about this and never got a response from them, yet hey posted about how JCPenney was being rude by not responding to them.

OMM, there are lots of moms out there who have been hurt by closeted gay men marrying them in hopes that they won't ever have to reveal to the world that they are gay. Pressure from churches and ministries like yours perpetuate this problem. I would guess there are more of us straight wives (and husbands) out there needing support than there are people who will stop shopping at JCPenney due to your misguided campaign.
If you want to do something helpful, leave the gays and those who support them well enough ALONE and do research on the devastating affects of gays marrying straight people to avoid the condemnation from the flames of negative societal views that you are fanning.

C'mon now...let's be real here...

debbie

love and REALity

Hello again. I'm back. Glad you are too.

Last Sunday our pastor started a new series called "Love is...". He talked about what love is and what love is not. To sum it up, love is not mere words expressed, but actions that come from a heart full of a desire to do good for others. The bible says that if we have everything the world has to offer, but have not love, we are nothing. He shared a clip from the movie, The Help, where the maid and nanny, Aibileene Clark, is speaking love into the little girl whom she cares for. She looks the little girl right into her eyes and with love all over her face and voice tells her, "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." Where does love like that come from?

I've been thinking about this all week. Do you remember how the supposedly Christian people in the movie thought they were so right to impose such demeaning and demoralizing judgments and rules on the black maids that loved their babies, cleaned their homes, and cooked their meals? The nannies couldn't even use the bathroom inside their employers' homes. One "do-gooder" even decided it was her duty to help pass a law stating that the homeowners needed to build a separate bathroom for their black maids so as to keep their germs away from the white family.

Today we look back at that not-so-long-ago societal mindset and cringe in disbelief.

I wonder if one day soon we will look back in disbelief on how many of us feel about homosexuals and the efforts that we condone for the pupose of keeping them "in their place". Case in point: A Christian based organization called One Million Moms is currently on a rampage against J.C.Penney because of their recent selection of well-known and popular Ellen Degeneres as their new spokesperson. OMM is calling for J.C.Penney to remove Ellen immediately because she is a lesbian and, in OMM's mind, a terrible role model for families. They think that they are right and just to speak out this way. I wish they would show some biblical love instead of what they think is biblical righteousness.

Personally, I think Ellen very wonderfully models to the world that we must be REAL. We must be real about who we are even when others think, say, and believe derogatory and demoralizing things about us. In "The Help", we see people of color standing up for their dignity and their rights and we applaud it. We should do the same when homosexuals call,  not only for equal rights, but for acceptance for who they are. Not only should we applaud it, but we should support it.

I also wonder how many of the so-called one million moms of OMM have children who will grow up thinking they are despicable sinners when they find themselves having same-sex attractions. The mothers of these children will have to decide whether to support their children or to support an organization who believes their children are abominations. My guess is that most of them will stick their head in the sand, but my hope would be that their eyes will be opened to REALity and their love for their children will win out.

I did not always think about homosexuals the way I do now. I do not believe they choose to be gay. Most, for much of their lives, hope against hope that their feelings would just disappear forever. But the feelings do not ever go away no matter how much hoping, praying, or hiding is done. Many feel that they must hide who they are from the rest of society just to be "normal"and accepted. One place some of them hide is in marriages with unsuspecting straight spouses. I don't believe their initial intent is to be harmfully deceptive or malicious because most of them truly think they can suppress their true orientation while married, thus living a life acceptable to family, friends, and society at large. BUT THIS IS SO WRONG, as I tried to show in my first blog, because deception is harmful and perpetual deception becomes malicious when the unsuspecting spouse suffers in a marriage to someone who cannot, in reality, love them in all the ways that matter most in marriage. These marriages are unREAL.

 In the past, ignorance perpetuated a mindset that we now see as sickening and cruel. Let's not help perpetuate similar ignorance today.

Instead, let's be REAL and REALize that in REALity we all just want to be loved...for who we REALly are.

debbie

let's be real

This new blog of mine is dedicated to my hero and mentor, Bonnie Kaye. She has helped me through this very confusing web of lies, truths, deceit and distortions. She has a way of keeping it real as she helps others do the same. My first entry will be one of my very favorite personal letters from Bonnie to "her women", other women who have found themselves  unknowingly married to a gay man. This letter says what I couldn't say. There's a lot I can say now so I hope you will all come back and visit my new blog.

 

Thursday, May 1, 2003

DISTORTED PERCEPTIONS, May, 2003

DISTORTED PERCEPTIONS

I’ve written about this before, and probably not too long ago. But I could never write about this enough, so I’ll talk about it again. It’s what I call “Distorted Perceptions.” It’s an important part of understanding the whole concept your marriage and why it failed.

I think I’ve gotten most of you on board with understanding that you had no influence on your husband’s homosexuality. No matter how easy it is for us to fall into the trap of believing that we were not “good enough” or “smart enough” or “pretty enough” or “sexy enough” for our husbands, I hope after reading my constant reassurances, you finally understand that your husband’s homosexuality was there long before you were.

The next concept of why your marriage failed is a little more difficult for you to understand. You are still looking at your marriage as if it takes “two to tango” as the saying goes. I often hear women say, “He made mistakes, and I made mistakes,” or “We both had faults,” Let’s acknowledge that no one is perfect. Yes, we all have faults. But it is not your “faults” that created the problems in the marriage. On the other hand, it is very possible that the problems in the marriage intensified your faults.


Now, my husband blamed me for overreacting to almost everything. And maybe in many cases I did. Bottom line: This was not who I was, but who I became because HE WAS GAY AND LIVING A LIE. And that lie infiltrated the darkest part of my soul turning me into someone whom I didn’t recognize or even like.

There were days when I woke up and didn’t want to live any more. This was NOT ME. The real me had a passion for life that had been temporarily snuffed out. I didn’t know it was temporary while I lived it because my life was now on another plane—somewhere between the Twilight Zone and death. I say death because on three different occasions I attempted suicide. It seemed like an excellent alternative during those moments that seemed so inescapable and hopeless. This was NOT ME either. Prior to my marriage, I was so high on life. I was active, sociable, surrounded by high self-esteem, and very independent. I turned into someone who was depressed, scared, insecure, co-dependant, and crying constantly from being hurt.

The decisions and the moves that I made during my marriage were based on the mutated perceptions inside my marriage. Before I suspected that homosexuality was the cause of my unhappiness, I came to believe that it was me who was causing the problems in my marriage. If I told my husband that our marriage had problems, he would reply, “We don’t have problems—YOU have the problem. I am happy in the marriage. YOU are the unhappy one.” Many of you have written to me that your husbands tell you the same thing. The problem is YOU—not him, not the “marriage.” And naturally, my husband, as well as yours, never looks beyond the fact that YOU have a problem, because it’s always all about them. I guess I was falling into a darker hole each day so it was easy for me to believe that I was the one with the problems. He wasn’t falling into a dark hole. He seemed content, and why not? He had a wife and a life outside his wife.

He was living his lie. And it was a big lie. Not a little white lie. Lying about your sexuality is a really very big lie. VERY BIG. What is a little lie? A little lie is taking money and buying something and not telling your spouse. A little lie is getting a couple of drinks at the bar with some friends while you tell your wife you are working. A little lie is not revealing that you broke your diet, smoked a cigarette after you quit, or paying more for something than you’re supposed to but keeping quiet not to start a fight because you’ve unbalanced the family budget.

It’s not like I’m condoning lying, but I certainly do understand it. I’ve lied myself when the thought of revealing something is going to result in an unnecessary argument that can be avoided and has no real effect on the state of a relationship. To lie is human. To live a lie is different. It’s not something that is inconsequential. When you live a lie, there are always consequences for someone. In our cases, it ends up being our consequence.

The basis for a relationship should be one built on give and take. When a man stops having sex with his wife because it’s too much of a burden for him because he is gay, you are giving wrong information to your wife. I don’t hear too many men take responsibility for their lack of sexual activity other than made up stories about being too tired, too overworked, too depressed, too headachy, too sore from exercising, etc. When those excuses run out, then the tables turn. Then it’s—YOU. You are too heavy, YOU are too naggy, YOU are too unsympathetic,
YOU are too demanding, and of course…..YOU ARE A NYMPHOMANIAC or something just as insulting. Because YOU now think YOU are the problem in your marriage, YOU are the one who tries to change YOURSELF. So, now you are changing yourself to become the ideal wife of a man who doesn’t want to make love to you no matter how good you look, how nice you act, how talented you are, or of course—how devoted you are to your gay husband. Ouch! That hurts.


Eventually, after your husband rejects you enough times, you stop expecting sex, and you also stop asking for it. He breathes a deep sigh of relief. Whew!! “She finally gets it. Stop asking because you’re not going to get it.” Once your wife stops asking you to have sex, she has resigned herself to living an unhappy life with you. How happy to do you think she’s going to be? And when she’s not happy, that’s her fault too, right? Wrong. It’s the husband’s fault.

Some gay husbands believe that money is the key to happiness—YOUR happiness. They will try to compensate for their sexual inadequacy by buying you gifts and trinkets, as if that will do it for you. It’s the same pattern as the physically abusive husband who beats his wife, begs for forgiveness, tells her that he loves her, and goes out to buy a present to prove it. HYPOCRITS. Like a bracelet is going to make you feel better about yourself. “I don’t think you’re good enough to make love to, but I think you’re good enough for a bracelet.” Thanks pal—but no thanks.

I know they say that the failure of a marriage is the fault of both parties, and maybe that’s the case in functional marriages. But guess what? I don’t think it’s that way when you live with a gay man. You aren’t happy. He can’t be happy. He is saying that you are making him unhappy because of your own unhappiness. But if he would have been a straight husband, maybe you would be happy. Perhaps you could have met life’s challenges as a team instead of being on different teams. And not only are you both on different teams, but you’re both playing in different ballparks. If the pitcher for the New York Yankees throws the most perfect pitch in NY, the best player in Boston standing hundreds of miles away can’t hit it—NO MATTER WHAT. You are in two different cities on two different teams. Two different places in two different spaces.

The same goes for straight wives with gay husbands. If your husband is telling you that the lack of sex in your marriage is YOUR fault, and he is a gay man, no matter what you do to make yourself more physically attractive, and some of you have gone to the extremes of breast implants and liposuction, it’s not going to change anything. You are playing in the wrong ballpark. Or shall I say, you have the wrong plumbing.

If you think I’m saying to all of you that you are perfect and without fault, well, I’m not. No one is perfect; we are all human. We all make mistakes. We all have bad days. We all have human traits, and this is fine. And no husband—straight, gay or otherwise is perfect either. I don’t think any of us are seeking perfection. We are seeking husbands who are playing in the same ballpark. And although many couples who are STRAIGHT couples grow apart, they do it in a more honest way. They don’t always look to place the blame on your lap. They take some responsibility for the marriage unraveling. And you can make sense of those marriages that don’t work without feeling that you are responsible for their failure. In a marriage with a gay husband, you don’t even know what is real and not real. You are living in a labyrinth that has only twists and turns. There is no way to ever find a way to the end of the maze. The twists and turns go nowhere except in vicious circles.

And so, when you sit back and recount the years that have passed and try to figure out what went wrong in your marriage, do yourself a favor--stop thinking about it. When you live with a gay man who is parading in disguise as a straight man, nothing can change the circumstances. Or shall I say, only you are capable of changing them—by leaving the marriage and moving on to a life that makes sense. What’s really so amazing is that life can make sense once your marriage is over. No more mazes to run through, no more Twilight Zones or Outer Limits. No more trying to solve the unsolvable, no more fighting against the unchanging tide. When you live like this, you zap your mental and physical energy because spinning gold out of hay only happens in fairytales.
Bonnie Kaye

THANKS, BONNIE
I don't know where I would be without you!
debbie