Bonnie gets real with a gay husband

Hello again! Thanks for stopping by.

Part of what Bonnie Kaye does is counsel married gay men who come to her wanting advice on how/when/why to come out to their wives. Most of the time they are truly desiring to do the right thing and some eventually do tell their wives that they are gay. Bonnie gladly helps these soul-searching men because she genuinely cares for them and because she knows how much their wives are hurt by their secret. I want to share with you a very small window into her work with these men. I have changed some of her words for clarity or added a few for emphasis.

In Bonnie Kaye's March 2012 newsletter she writes:

I have several men who have been writing to me for a couple of years. They (say) they truly love their wives and cannot bear the thought of “hurting” them over this. They say that If they tell their wives the truth, they will never be able to handle it. Or that their wives may very well hate their husbands and ask them to leave. How would they ever survive without their family? They say their families mean more to them than anything in the world. And anyway, they say, in every other way they are excellent providers, companions, and fathers. Why destroy their happiness?Right?

Wrong.

Bonnie continues by saying:

 I am sorry, but I am just not buying into this anymore. My patience is really diminishing and I’m taking a harsher “tough love” stance. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older and don’t have as much time in front of me as I had in back of me to be patient.

Here’s what I am thinking. A gay man states he loves you and could never destroy your happiness. Although in theory that sounds nice, I don’t understand it. Does a gay man honestly believe that sexual rejection doesn’t count as a problem in a marriage? Does he think that sleeping in the same bed without any kind of intimacy and lovemaking means that you, his loving wife, can be happy? Does he think that because he’s happy not having sexual relations with you that you are happy not having them with him? Does he realize that not a day goes by without you wondering what is wrong with YOU because he doesn’t want to touch you in a loving way or make love to you?

Some of these men are REALLY NICE MEN. They are not like some of the others who continually berate their wives out of frustration from their constant internal struggle or otherwise blame them for the problems in the marriage because they think thier wives are the reason they are now struggling to live contently as a "straight" husband. No, these are good guys who THINK they are doing the right thing. But guess what? They aren’t—and here’s why.

Every woman who is unknowingly married to a gay man KNOWS that something is wrong in her marriage. Every day she feels like SHE is the failure because her husband can’t stand the thought of touching her and makes dozens of excuses until she stops asking. Every day she doubts herself and her ability to be a worthy wife and woman because you can’t make her feel like one. “I love you” sounds nice, but we all heard that growing up from our fathers and brothers. We didn’t want to marry a father or a brother. We wanted to marry a man who could be a husband in the true sense of the word HUSBAND. This equates into LOVER. That equates into MAKING LOVE WITH PASSION AND FOREPLAY on a regularly anticipated basis. Guys, do you realize that your wives are pretending as much as you are? They are. You are pretending to be a haappy straight husband, and they are pretending to be a happy straight wife because they love you  and hold themselves responsible for your being unhappy, in the bedroom or out. Trust me--they aren't happy; they are ripped apart inside from your “LOVE.” Nothing they do seems to make any difference. It can't because you are not who you say you are.

I learned long ago that the word “Love” can be as bad as any of those other horrible four- letter words. I don’t want someone to "love and cherish" me by making me feel ugly and unworthy of affection, intimacy and sexual love. Every day that you think you are protecting your wives in the name of “love,” you are really killing a piece of them instead.  

This is a letter I wrote last week to one of these nice men after several years of his writing to me about feeling so torn in his marriage because he loves his wife so much:

After much dwelling on your words of how much you love your wife, I realize that you couldn't possibly love her that much if you aren't telling her the truth. Every woman who is married to a gay man knows there is something wrong in her marriage. Every day she feels like a failure because her husband doesn't want her, and in fact, feels repulsed by "making love" to her. How do you feel justified in making her feel like a failure if you really love her? Will you not tell her your secret because you really love her or because you are afraid for yourself? When you married her, you promised to love and cherish her. Is living with your secret a way of doing this? I don't think so.

You've told me that you are afraid of how she'll handle it when she finds out. Guess what? At this point, does it matter? If she screams, yells, hits you, threatens you, does it really matter? Or does it count more that you are going to finally explain to her why all these years of a lack of intimacy and sex can AT LAST make sense and she can stop blaming herself?

Please….just do it. And do it fast. Make time to talk to her alone. Tell her you've gone for help and therapy to see how you can change these feelings and you now know you can't. You love her--but you are gay. She is not to blame. She did not fail as a wife. You failed as a straight man because you are a gay man no matter how much you may not want to be one.

Please do the right thing. Every day, a piece of your wife dies because you are forcing her to live your lie by not telling her why your marriage is failing. If you love her, prove it--to yourself--and to her.

Bonnie

Ya gotta love Bonnie for being real and showing tough love by strongly encouraging these men to do the same. Not all straight wives who are married to gay men have the same degree or extent of the typical side effects in their marriages. But, as Bonnie says, all of them know "something" is wrong and all of them try hard to fix "it" in one way or another without much, if any, success. They all deserve the truth.
 For more information or for descriptions of her many wonderfully helpful and informative books, including Over The Cliff, Gay Husbands in Straight Marriages, visit her websites; http://www.straightwives.com/, or http://www.gayhusbands.com/, or http://www.bonniekayebooks.com/

Until next time...

debbie