Collateral damage occurs when something incidental to the intended target is damaged during an attack. When used in conjunction with military operations it can refer to the incidental destruction of civilian property and non-combatant casualties.[1][2]
How often do we hear these words together; women and children and collateral damage? Aside from being a term associated with the unfortunate unintended human losses during war, "collateral damage" has become a household term. More specifically a broken household term. Divorce is hard enough on everyone, but in situations where there is a gay spouse, the hurt, confusion, lies, and damage is especially insidious. The average person, although not liking divorce, can understand typical reasons and side effects for the average divorce. But how many people can really understand the intricacies and twilight-zone aspects of a relationship and divorce which imbodies a gay spouse, especially one who cannot even admit to it? The only people I've found who can understand are those who've been through it. BUT even so, those who have been through it are continually doing battle with the debilitating effects and aftershocks of their own experience. There is wonderful support out there for the straight spouses in these marriages, BUT the children suffer in ways we adults cannot completely fathom. We see the outward behaviors and emotions that they exhibit but we can't know what's going on inside of them. Why? Because it isn't something they can make sense of themselves. They do not have the life experiences, the maturity or even the vocabulary to sort it out in a way they can remotely understand or express.
A recent member's post on the Straight Spouse Network forum says that there should be a law against a gay person marrying a straight person without complete disclosure beforehand. Why did so many people comment in wholehearted agreement? Because they are homophobic and want to discriminate and remove freedoms from others? NO! It is because they and their children are the collateral damage in a marriage that should never have happened in the first place. This unfortunate occurrance in their lives becomes the overpowering force by which their futures are pretty much defined by. This may sound very negative. But the reason why is truly that although there is always the possibility for hope and healing, collateral damage is still defined as unintended casualties/injuries. Something always dies in the falling out of these marriages. And something always is injured. Death and injuries always cause hurt and pain. Hurt and pain always cause disruption at deep levels. All these things have lasting negative consequences on the most innocent of victims. The cries of these innocents shout out for everything to just go away...but it won't.
debbie
Collateral Damage is the perfect term for the fallout that occurs in this. For those who do not like military jargon, we can call it the "Ripple Effect." (like when you toss a stone into a pond, the effects - ripples - spread out over feet, yards, and eventually miles if given the opportunity).
ReplyDeleteAs a man who acciddentally married a lesbian, I HATE to see how this will affect my son's life down the line. His MOM has essentially demonstrated that infidelity is okay, that doing what you want - damn the consequnces - is quite all right as long as YOU'RE happy about it. He will never have any idea what a committed relationship (nor stability) is supposed to be like (his mom - whom he is with most of the time - is bouncing around between new girlfriend now and old one).
I do my best to explain to him how real relationships should be. But in today's Relationships Are As Disposable As Water Bottles society, that is becoming a daunting chore.
What people not in our situation don't understand is that marrying a homosexual is NOT exactly paralell to a straight relationship gone bad. I have lost freinds who tell me to "get over it," "not a big deal," etc. The true difference we were swept into a lie from the very first "hello." Either we were blatantly lied to, or our spouses had been lying to themselves,too.
To those out there experienceing what Debbie has so eloquently described, all I can suggest is stay strong for your children. They need stability and focus. Something they sure ain't gonna get from the parent who has gone to bat for the other team, leaving us in the dust. And guess what? You will discover your that your amazing kids become YOUR source of stgrength and inspiration too.
And, Debbie, thank you for creating this blog. You are an inspiration to me. I thank you for speaking out for all the voiceless people out there who are suffering in silence.
Thank you, dear reader, for your sensitive and personal comments. Although every situation is different, we all have some very tough things in common, a few of these being; having been deceived, having been blamed in various ways, having been misunderstood, and having to watch our children suffer needlessly.
ReplyDeletePlease keep reading and commenting.
debbie